Utter Punishment – The Harvard Lampoon

The Number from Hell#

| Issue Editor: MLF '07 | Art Editor: GMRD '09

Utter Punishment

  JGH '08

– And the righteous man goes to heaven where he is given sev­enty-two virgins.

– Wow. And tell me what Hell is like.

– Hell, my son, is a terrible place. A place where evil men are cast and given seventy-two young women, none of who are vir­gins.

– That doesn’t sound so bad.

– But it is, my child. These women aren’t pure, but instead quite accomplished in their sexual abilities.

– Um…okay.

– And it’s hot down there. So hot that the sinner and the sex experts take off all their clothes but still sweat.

– Oh I get it. You probably can’t touch these women, right? Like they’re mirages

.-What? No.

– So they’re not merely teases?

– It’s hell. These women…they- they’ve had sex before