Hello dear readers. This issue is about this issue. We are five months behind print schedule. The art board is on strike. A very small ink man is yanking my laptop away as I type– sir! excuse me! And by God do I wish these lines were jokes so we’d have some in the magazine, but they are all true. How did we get here? Hard work. On other things we were doing.
But there is a very good reason for this, and I’m going to tell it to you now: the reason being, it is about how, and if you really thin— oh shut up reader! It’s terribly embarrassing to be writing the bottom part of the page while the top part prints. It was summer freakin vacation, okay?! And that’s when the Lampoon hibernates.
Blame me, sure! BLAME ME! But the delay was in part due to the publishers, who are really moody and seem to be intensely affected by weather; in part due to having a really toxic team around me; and in part because I forgot the spelling of “Lampoon” and had to hire a young, hungry, diverse group of coordinators to do that due diligence. It’s Lamp, like the light stick, and oon like “ooh” n monsoon. Five months and hundreds of thousands of dollars later, here we are.
But all this can’t stop me from preservergrafle ta rialtkdjzlkdf excuse me! Hold on, the ink man is back and …sir get a coffee and I’ll be done in five. Tea is fine. Any drink at all sir. Any drink!
Separately I have been informed one of the pages in here is written on a napkin but there is no time to check which one. If you find it, you can use it. I have also been informed someone sat on one of the pages, the one that was a doughnut. So it’s still good, like it’s clean and it tastes the same, it’s just flat.
But here’s the important thing about this issue: it’s not about this issue. It’s about the very minimal effort that went into it. Sometimes fast and loose desperation at the very wrong moments produces some of the most wonderful and strange and bewildered efforts, some of the most pure, unfettered, unstoppably bold ones.
We will be the only magazine ever to say, fuck art! (but if the art board reads this, it’s like, I don’t mean that I’m just trying to be provocative…?… and I am so sorry).
The only magazine ever to say five months!? I’ve lived longer!
To say doughnut page? Raise the minimum wage! Flaber top frothbottom mrs. baby days!
It’s about feelings, not about words! It’s about getting to the end of the line, seeing hope slip through your fingers, and finding the deepest most daring reserves of determination and drawing more line and pulling hope back up by your bootstraps into your sweaty sweaty palm!
And that’s why throughout this process I have figured out why effort is so very meaningful: it’s simply whgraffttle ta ratatata hello this is the ink man! what up! shout out to Peet’s, BEST SMOOTHIE IN THE SQUARE!!!