Vanitas – The Harvard Lampoon

All Natural #

| Issue Editor: HJH '19 | Art Editor: OJ '20

Vanitas

  HJH '19

I am coming to you live from my shoddily crafted hut mere inches from the rising tide. Did you know that the melting of ice sheets could increase sea levels by a meter or mor–oh shit a seagull just took my conch fritters. God damn it. Yeah, another round of fritters over here? Thanks.

What I’m trying to say is this issue is a warning. From where I’m sitting I can see three, maybe four tsunamis lined up out there on the horizon. As soon as those things roll in we’ll be in trouble because the cool guys that surf them will be here buying up all the pukka shell necklaces right before the holidays. But it doesn’t stop with the tsunamis. There’s currently an earthquake creating a rift in the ground between my legs. I should really jump to one side, but I’m having a hard time deciding between the left half of the beach and my family. So now I’m doing a split over a 50 foot wide fissure and my pants are probably gonna rip. Hello, doctor? I’m gonna need some medication because I’ve got a serious case of the Mondays.

The Earth is dying. And the worst part? It’s our fault. But look, I’m human too. Maybe once in a while I drop a little plastic wrapper and “forget” to pick it up. And sure from time to time I’ll point my chlorofluorocarbon cannon at the sky and shred open a decently-sized ozone hole. The point is, everyone does. I get it.

But there comes a time when we have to say enough is enough to the deforestation, the cutting down of trees, and the reverse reforestation. If we all work together, we could turn this thing around. And once we’re done spinning this gigantic top, we might even be able to do something about the rapidly deteriorating state of the environment.

I’m sorry about that last joke. It’s just that the water is above my head at this point, and I’m getting desperate. I’ll try my best to whip up an issue right now, but my scuba gear didn’t come with any oxygen tanks. Now that I’m looking at it there’s no wet suit or mask or flippers either. All I’ve got is a Ziplock bag filled with air, but I paid $350 for it and god knows I’m not gonna waste it now.

There are so many ways each one of us can alter our everyday behavior to improve the situation. For example, if you own a coal burning power plant, turn it off. If you don’t own a coal burning power plant, I–I’m not, I don’t know you’re gonna have to work with me a little here. 2018 and you don’t own a power plant? If all else fails, just print thousands of copies of a magazine which will inevitably be read by 3 people, all of whom thought they were reading To Kill A Mockingbird 2.

The time for change is now. Let’s hold ourselves to a higher standard. And should this magazine fall into the hands of the CEO of some big oil company, I hope you’re happy. Look around at the Earth you’ve created, and then look at me and give me a job. Please.