Waste Treatment – The Harvard Lampoon

The Grass is Greener #

| Issue Editor: CHS '17 | Art Editor: AEV '18

Waste Treatment

  HJH '19

Dear EPA:

I am writing from beneath the manhole at the corner of 54th Avenue North in Petersburg, Florida
to inform you that I am appalled with the state of the waste treatment system in this city.

I first noticed the issue on Monday at 3:15am EST in one of the main sewer lines. Something
about the septage seemed slightly off, and sure enough my skin was covered in hives after
swimming around in the pee and poop for just a half hour. I know what you’re thinking: “He
must be allergic to poop.” Trust me, I’m not allergic to poop.

Not only is this extremely unsanitary, but also unfair to people like me who have things to do
such as breaststroke through a sea of scat. It is hard enough sneaking out of my house in the dead
of night, covering myself in warm butter and wriggling through one of the holes in the sewage
drains, and now on top of that I have to deal with unsightly rashes on my body. How do you
expect the guys at work to respect someone whose skin can’t handle a little poop dive?

And then there’s the fact that the pipes in the sewer look like they haven’t been replaced in years. They are so rusty and decrepit that I wouldn’t be surprised if nearby soil was rendered infertile or if someone tried to surf on a piece of wood and they slipped and cut their penis.

Jim Ruthers