Why I Will Never Be President – The Harvard Lampoon

The Manic Pursuit #

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Why I Will Never Be President

  CAS '12

– Whenever I speak in public I get really nervous and say that religion is just a biological construct.

– My father always tells me I will never be President. He is a prominent news analyst for CNN.

– My doctor says I should never kiss babies.

– Always get Kyrgyzstan and Kosovo confused. Have offered to sell both nuclear weapons.

– I’m a war hero, just not for America or one of her allies.

– I think we should invest more money in our education system as well as our prison system, and that we should imprison children to pay for this plan. Or something. I’m in the pocket of some weird lobbies.

– Don’t think America should be on the gold standard, or any standard, really. Don’t understand what the question means.

– Too tall to be President (if you saw you’d understand).