Wireless Straw – The Harvard Lampoon

Big Cheese #

| Issue Editor: EIS '16 | Art Editor: MY '16

Wireless Straw

  LDL '19

Ladies and gentlemen, the future of hydration: the wireless straw. And I would know. I’m Dan Stanley, inventor of the wireless straw.

The wireless straw is as simple as it sounds. It is a straw without wires or a tube because a tube is basically a big wire.

Scientists ask me how a straw can work without a tube. I tell them: stop bugging me, scientist. What’s important isn’t how the wireless straw works but that sometimes, it works.

Other times, the wireless straw makes users within close proximity switch drinks. People report these switcheroos often expose them to their new favorite drinks. One woman went a full month drinking other people’s drinks. She learned that she hates anything with cream. Thanks, wireless straw!

Drinks can also end up in the mouths of absolutely random people. Sometimes in quantities people describe as “giant waves”.  This can be very unexpected, even from a straw. Seriously, people drowned. Most people only choke and can be saved.

They say that this, the people drowning and choking, is bad. And I say, “right”. I also say it’s cool to use the straw that will revive religion.

So, go ahead, slurp down that drink! And slurp it through the only straw that’ll make you feel truly alive. Remember- you can’t be caught off guard when you’re already drinking.