Hey Angel-
Thanks for letting me read your college essay! I’ve left a few comments below.
Love, Dad
-When you say “struggle,” I would replace it with a more positive word, like “character development.”
-Add some more context to the second paragraph. Right now, it looks like I abandoned you at the water park, which I would only do if there was a work emergency. And there was. I found that out after I got home.
-This “my father” character sounds like a real jerk. Maybe use a different name? Any other name. Like “family member” or “paternal figure.”
-That’s not how I remember your near-drowning.
-I was drinking diet coke when I came to pick you up. I remember because the nurse said no outside drinks.
-Be sure to watch your verb tenses.
-In hindsight, “sink or swim” does sound a bit harsh.
-Line 25. Find a way to spin this—for example, you now know how to perform CPR on yourself.
-In my defense, I could only save one of you, and your brother can’t tread water.
-I had no idea the therapist we got you was for your aquaphobia. I thought it was because you were having teen troubles.
-There’s a spelling error in “attempted emancipation.”
-So… all those water polo games… our father-daughter synchronized diving routines… our family vacation to Venice? I am so sorry.
-Beautiful conclusion. Did you mean what you said about not being on speaking terms?
