I knew spring break in Mexico was going to be fun – but not this fun. Who’d have thought a humble guy like me could get this many girls? You can’t see it, but I’m holding up three fingers.
Arriving at Cancun International Airport was a breeze. There are two lines when you get in: Normal Customs and Gay Customs. At Gay Customs they give you a brightly-colored cocktail with a little umbrella and tie a pink sweater lazily around your shoulders. They do the same at Normal Customs, but the officer also encourages you to confront your assumptions of what “normal” is. I would recommend Gay Customs because the DJ is significantly better.
After a forty-five minute rickshaw ride, I was at my hotel. Many hotels in Cancun are reluctant to give upgrades, but you can get them if you know the tricks of the trade. (I got one by saying gracias instead of thank-you to the front desk attendant.) My suite’s ocean view was nice but a little boring. While staring blankly at it I came up with an idea for an all-female Spanish-language reboot of Friends, working title Amigas.
After realizing that an idea like that could never succeed in today’s male-dominated female-reboot industry, I took out a jet ski to clear my mind. This was the best part of my vacation yet. It was like The Old Man and the Sea if the old man were less lame and more naked. I attracted the attention of three beautiful women on the beach, who rented jet skis of their own to ride alongside me.
We came back to the resort, and I think the women were really into me. My tight five had gone over pretty well, and they were beginning to playfully touch the rashguard that I wear because I am not yet comfortable with my body. When they asked if I wanted to get more intimate, I took out my spec script for the first episode of Amigas, a crossover episode with the original cast of Friends.
All three leaned in towards me and whispered that I should stop trying to write from a woman’s perspective. Afterwards, we had a very pleasant foursome.