Welcome, child, to The Optimizer's annual "Fun N' Fulfillment" job-provisioning fair. Remember, the most important rules of Optimization are "never ask questions" and "recall that you are but a cog in an incomprehensible machine." Let's get started!
1. To begin, we need to discover your Utopian Name. Simply take your first name, but swap the first and last letters to get a fun new identity:
2. Nice one, Bob - or should I say, Bob. Now, how old are you:
3. Correct! But we already knew that. The Optimizer knows a lot about you. Speaking of which, please select one of the following criminal charges against your family to address at this time: (a) fraud; (b) larceny; (c) treason.
> …can I skip?
Invalid answer. Please select one of the following criminal charges against your family to address at this time: (a) fraud; (b) larceny; (c) treason; (d) asking questions.
> Hmm... Well, let's go with-
Time's up! We limit all participants to 30 seconds of screen-time to prevent you from getting emotionally attached to the comforting, all-knowing paternity of The Optimizer. Thank you for your participation in the job fair!
After careful consideration, the optimal result for society requires you to be:
BANISHED TO JUPITER
Don't fret! Your job is easy if you just follow a few simple steps.
Here are your instructions:
1. Board plane to Jupiter.
End of instructions. Thank you, my sweet child.