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Pieces

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Relax
10
October 2018
Welcome to my zen meditation studio, kemosabe. Now get those clothes off and get on the table, the …
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Bus Driver
1
May 2018
Uh oh. I did it again. Fell asleep after all the kids got on the bus, so now I gotta get all these …
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Whack-A-Mole
74
January 2022
I walk in every morning and the arcade carny asks me, “what’ll it be?” I reply…
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Good Cop, Bad Cop, Jelly-Donut Cop
December 2020
Bad Cop: We have your fingerprints on the gun, the doorknob, and the victim, punk. Good Cop: Hey j…
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SNOWED IN
10
January 2020
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency? Me: I’m… stuck, in my cabin. I need human…
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Girlfriend
15
September 2021
Of course I have a girlfriend, she just goes to another school. Which school? The, uh, the one a fe…
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The Royal We
August 2017
The Royal We was a sitcom about King Arthur and his loyal knight and roommate Sir Elton John Episo…
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Stars
3
June 2021
-Wow, you’re right, stargazing is pretty cool. -Stare long enough, and apparently you start …
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Dear Historians,
March 2020
At the time of writing, the COVID-19 pandemic has brought the world to a standstill. Though the Lam…
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Tuxedo
September 2020
Glad I’ve got someone interested in buying Tuxedo. My father died in this tuxedo, and then it…
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Vanitas
January 2021
Dear Readers,   My greatest hope for you all is that you actually know how to read because t…
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My Trip to Cleveland
December 2020
I’m going to be honest with you, reader—my sophomore fall didn’t get off to a gre…
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Teacher’s Note
16
July 2021
Dear Parent, If you are receiving this note it means that your child has been enrolled in my class…
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A Day in the Life of Hamish Olsen, New York, 19
33
December 2020
She looked at him like a deer in headlights might look at someone if it had human eyes. Hamish had …
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Waxing Thoughts
43
January 2022
“I understand your pain. I’ve gone through the same thing.” – the woman w…
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Larry Purchases a Masturbation Bot
March 2020
Larry: Power on Masturbation Bot 3000: (turns on, starts fingering self)  Larry: Jesus&helli…
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Placebo
29
May 2022
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Choose Your Own Adventure
8
May 2022
You are feeling awfully hungry today. What would you like to eat? > A ham sandwich. Keep readi…
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One Man Show
3
August 2021
The janitor was diligently color-coding dust when the director burst in. “Mort, none of the a…
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A Retelling of Jaws By Someone Who Has Definitely Seen It
6
October 2020
Jaws…yes. Jaws is the story of a very big shark. Everyone knows that. Especially those who h…