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Pieces

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Krauts
October 2020
Legend has it while serving in the trenches in WWI Wittgenstein would masturbate to math. German S…
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Inspired Musings
1
December 2020
Scientists say that the murder rate goes up when there is a full moon. But so does the rate of peop…
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The Count of Monte Cristo Returns to Marseilles
3
December 2020
Count: People of Marseilles! For twenty years you unfairly imprisoned me. Now behold my immens…
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The C5 Beer Pong Table Piece
December 2019
So you’re in the market for a custom Beer Pong Table, preferably in the C4 through C6 range, …
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My Dog and All My Coworkers’ Dogs All Got Food Poisoning From the Office Dog Food Stash and It Was Really Awful and Sad
15
September 2021
Monday Me: (crying at desk).Lisa: Sorry to hear about your Maltese dog, Doug. When my su…
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SNOWED IN
10
January 2020
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency? Me: I’m… stuck, in my cabin. I need human…
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Now That’s What I Call Music! Vol. 18,482
July 2021
Track 1 – Give Me a Little Gas, SisterTrack 2 – Your Girl Got Too Much Exhaust in the F…
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Lampy Goes to Bartaco
52
October 2022
What is the only thing Harvard students like more than telling people they went to school “ri…
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Trying To Write Mental Health Pieces When Your Mental Health Is Pretty Okay At The Moment
166
January 2022
You close your laptop, wishing you had something real to write about. The first three pieces about …
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One Man Car Wash
June 2020
– (standing on street corner with buckets of water, some rags, and a ‘Car Wash’ s…
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Gun Show
July 2021
Turbus: And this here is the Heckler and Koch SR9, with extra bolt-action to make your kills absolu…
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New Cat
December 2020
So a couple days ago my wife and I decided to restart the old marriage. Seeing as I’m impoten…
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Ghost Hunters
32
December 2020
School’s out, plan is a go.  It’s officially Halloween.  My parents think I&r…
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Birthday Card
October 2008
GRANDFATHER: Here’s a card from me. Happy birthday. SON: Thanks, grandpa. MOTHER: Read it a…
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Date Ideas
1
November 2020
-Tap Dancing Summer Intensive-Battle it out in a kite flying competition-Try lettuce for the first …
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TV Salesman
13
October 2020
Bread the TV Salesman started the day like any other: with a hot cup of coffee and a curse to his m…
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Mr. Worldwide
26
December 2020
Pitbull’s plane touches down at Miami International Airport at 12:43 on a Tuesday. He’s…
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Texting on My Laptop
9
February 2019
Me: Hey Sarah Me: Hey Me: Hey Sarah Me: Hey Sarah, sorry.  Me: I didn’t realize hitt…
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Two Bailiffs Talk Before Court Starts
10
October 2018
– First day, huh. Nervous? I know I was. – No. I have everything set up. I prepared th…