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Pieces

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Seven Deadly Gourds
June 2020
The Orange Gourd: This one will kill you 100%. The Ghost Pepper: This one is less pungent, still…
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The Big Man on Campus
October 2018
Yesterday the Big Man on Campus came to class late and the professor apologized. The class cried be…
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Rare
December 2020
Some things are less rare than you think. Winning the Lottery My friend Rigley won the lottery ye…
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Reddit History
June 2020
Comment on New Zelda Game Out! by /u/bowzrrr999 in /r/nintendo [–] GREG_THE_MAN  0 poin…
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Judge, Jury, and Executioner
2
December 2020
…and now that I’ve got you, I’ll be your judge, jury, and executioner. Wait, …
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Vanagon
December 2020
Ever since I was little, I wanted a vanagon. I worked for fifty years to get one — mailr…
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Chained To A Tree
18
When they were all like “We need someone to chain themselves to this tree!” I was all l…
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Charlie and the Next Successor
10
November 2019
It was time for old Charlie to pick the next child to take over the chocolate factory just as Willy…
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Driving a Plane
21
September 2021
As I’m driving a plane down the highway, airport control radio crackles in, “Unit 332, …
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QUEER ON THE FRONTIER
8
October 2020
Host: Hello and welcome back to Queer on the Frontier: the show that examines cultural representati…
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Dear President
16
October 2019
Dear President, My name is Bradley and I am 8. I’m from Ohio and my mom won’t let me p…
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Things To Say If You Want To Join The Cool Table
22
December 2021
Don’t mind me, lemme pull up a chair—backwards. My mom packs me lemon slices instead…
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My Ideas for Hallmark Cards
13
- I’m sorry I spilled your drink - It shouldn’t matter what’s in the cup, whethe…
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Fire Department Tour
10
March 2020
Fire Chief: And this here’s where we do our laundry—(alarm goes off) Oof, sorry kids, t…
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Ways to Get Away with Yelling Fire in a Crowded Theater
55
- Wait for the movie to have a scene with explosions, then point and yell fire  - Rent out an…
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Kindergarten
3
October 2020
Hello, is this the mother of Steve Austin? The stone cold professional wrestler? The 54 year old ma…
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TV Salesman
October 2020
Bread the TV Salesman started the day like any other: with a hot cup of coffee and a curse to his m…
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Things I Want to Tell Stacy Now That I’m No Longer In Eighth Grade
18
February 2010
– I was the one who kind of initiated the tradition of everyone hugging each other at the end…
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Birthday Girl
10
October 2008
BIRTHDAY GIRL:  Tonight’s been unbelievable. You are honestly the most amazing friends…