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Pieces
Chronological Excerpts from the Rochester Cult Massacre Reports
24
SMR '25 • September 2022
Rick, 40 I’d better contribute something before anyone gets suspicious. “Let’s s…
Driving to a Burger Joint
CAS '12 • October 2018
“You gonna bring the shit tonight or what?” Simon was riding shotgun in Bill Shi…
A Quest
3
ASB '17 • December 2020
I’m embarking on a quest to personally give a big thumbs-up to the child who made my iPhone. …
Lampy Goes to Bartaco
63
The Harvard Lampoon • October 2022
What is the only thing Harvard students like more than telling people they went to school “ri…
Tax Collector
55
JGB '25 • May 2022
When it came time for collecting taxes, the tax collector’s only instruction from the robots …
If It Were Big Bird
MAK '21 • May 2021
In 1986, instead of an elementary school teacher, NASA had initially considered Big Bird as their f…
Gun Show
1
MAG '21-'22 • July 2021
Turbus: And this here is the Heckler and Koch SR9, with extra bolt-action to make your kills absolu…
Hogtown
44
CYL '26 • December 2023
Most people move to Hogtown for the good public schools. They either come for that or Larry t…
Brinkmanship
36
CLC '22-'23 • May 2022
“The ability to get to the verge without getting into the war is the necessary art” &nd…
Yo Mama So Fat
34
JFAR '19-'22 • April 2019
-…is the best way I thought I could begin breaking this news, Timmy. I’m so sorry. She…
Family
1
JPW '21 • October 2020
I’ve got a crazy family — two brothers, four sisters, three half-brothers, one quarter-…
Relax
10
MJS '19 • October 2018
Welcome to my zen meditation studio, kemosabe. Now get those clothes off and get on the table, the …
Going to America
107
LKN '25 • May 2023
Grandpa says that in America, the streets are paved with gold and the water is made of milk and hon…
My First Real Piece Ever
1
DJL '20 • October 2020
This is not a real piece, just my observation about pieces, and I am a human writing this, a perfec…
E=mcBUTT
10
MMM '20 • February 2020
sigh No, Percival, it does not. But due to your father’s generous donation, I am… plea…
That Guy
BWM '19-'21 • March 2020
-Hey, who is that?-That guy, over there? I don’t know.-He must be pretty important-What makes…
1999
10
JLG '21 • May 2021
At the end of the millennium people started acting weird. January -The “Euro” is intr…
The Time I Got Caught Milking
22
YMC '21-'22 • February 2020
One time I was at the farm, milking some cows when Bobby, the guy that owns the farm, comes out run…
A Worry
10
BWM '19-'21 • March 2020
Sometimes I worry that there is a GMO soybean out to get me.It’s all fucked up and has like w…
Baseball Ghost
75
GPCP '22 • May 2023
I clutched my Babe Ruth card in one hand and my necronomicon in the other. “The big game&rsqu…
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