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Pieces

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Larry Purchases a Masturbation Bot
March 2020
Larry: Power on Masturbation Bot 3000: (turns on, starts fingering self)  Larry: Jesus&helli…
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How I Stopped 9/11
117
I strut into the hideout, the most beautiful girl Osama bin Laden has ever seen.  Osama bin L…
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Life After the Lampoon
18
August 2019
Conan O’Brien: Juan, congrats on graduating! Here, take this. Me: Wow, another Ferrari! Con…
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Apology to the Reader’s of Squid Digest’s April 2013 Issue
2
September 2020
Readers, we would like to retract a statement we made in our most recent issue. After multiple onli…
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The Big Man on Campus
October 2018
Yesterday the Big Man on Campus came to class late and the professor apologized. The class cried be…
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My Cult
1
June 2021
If you’re thinking about joining a classic, hardcore, intense kind of cult, then only think a…
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Genesis
December 2020
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, but …
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Things To Say If You Want To Join The Cool Table
22
December 2021
Don’t mind me, lemme pull up a chair—backwards. My mom packs me lemon slices instead…
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What I Imagine Summer Camp is Like
December 2020
1. Toodle-ee-doo! The trumpet song wakes me up—time to canoe to breakfast. 2. I eat slop wit…
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A Worry
2
March 2020
Sometimes I worry that there is a GMO soybean out to get me.It’s all fucked up and has like w…
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One Man Show
13
August 2021
The janitor was diligently color-coding dust when the director burst in. “Mort, none of the a…
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Opening Line of My Book
February 2020
“Alright everyone… settle down, settle down, if you could all gather round, come a lit…
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The Taco Bell on Beverly
11
January 2020
“Where are you going?” you ask the homeless man wandering down San Vicente. “Don&…
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Ways to Get Away with Yelling Fire in a Crowded Theater
55
- Wait for the movie to have a scene with explosions, then point and yell fire  - Rent out an…
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Pervert Alert: My Friend Josh
30
December 2021
My friend Josh, hoo boy. That guy’s into some really fucked up stuff. Just look at him. Gre…
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Larry was there.
October 2020
Larry was there. Larry saw the flashes as the troposphere lit on fire, the sounds the bombs made as…
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Eugenics
December 2020
– Looks like your baby came out of the eugenics machine beautifully. – Doctor, that is…
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Lawnmower
1
December 2020
Want to stop mowing your lawn like a quivering pussy? Then shut the fuck up and buy the GRASS-FUCKE…
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Hell
1
November 2020
There’s a special place in hell for weird guys who can’t be kept in the regular part of…