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Pieces
Crowdsourcing Request
1
TBW '18 • December 2020
Hey Guys!I’m sending you this email to invite you to help with my crowdfunding campaign. I&r…
Narcissus Eiffel-Towering
125
NGH '23 AMC '23 •
Glossary of Future Terms
10
MAG '21-'22 • July 2021
Welcome to the Year 2435! Please step off the portal platform. Here are some words you’ll nee…
Waxing Thoughts
65
YMC '21-'22 • January 2022
“I understand your pain. I’ve gone through the same thing”:– the woman wa…
Apology to the Reader’s of Squid Digest’s April 2013 Issue
2
MAG '21-'22 • September 2020
Readers, we would like to retract a statement we made in our most recent issue. After multiple onli…
My First Kid
48
NGH '23 • December 2022
Opening scene: my wife’s going into labor. I watch a lot of TV, so I know what to do. “…
Litter
94
SMR '25 •
I was born with so much upward vertical velocity that by the time I plunged back through the roof m…
There’s No More Gazpacho In The Cupboard
11
MMM '20 • October 2020
– What? – There’s no more cans of gazpacho in our cupboard. The hell am I suppos…
Draft Dodging
50
RYSL • May 2023
The national draft is underway, and as an amputee I’m terrified of active combat. Thankfully,…
Film Noir
27
MMM '20 • December 2020
The year was December 17th, winter to be exact. Outside my office it was a wet, dark afternoon&mdas…
Texting on My Laptop
19
MAG '21-'22 • February 2019
Me: Hey Sarah Me: Hey Me: Hey Sarah Me: Hey Sarah, sorry. Me: I didn’t realize hitt…
Ashes
11
JFAR '19-'22 • March 2019
-Well hereeeee you go Mrs. Johnson — your very own son’s ashes. -Why, doctor, these as…
Judge, Jury, and Executioner
24
TAF '19 • December 2020
…and now that I’ve got you, I’ll be your judge, jury, and executioner. Wait, …
Mr. Worldwide
26
CDL '21 • December 2020
Pitbull’s plane touches down at Miami International Airport at 12:43 on a Tuesday. He’s…
Relax
10
MJS '19 • October 2018
Welcome to my zen meditation studio, kemosabe. Now get those clothes off and get on the table, the …
From the Creators of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!"
104
LKN '25 • December 2023
“I Can Totally See This Being Mayonnaise” Margarine “It’s For My Windshiel…
FOMO Cop on the Job
59
OMA '24 • May 2023
Driver: What seems to be the problem, officer? Officer: You been drinking tonight, sir? Where you …
1999
10
JLG '21 • May 2021
At the end of the millennium people started acting weird. January -The “Euro” is intr…
Two Bailiffs Talk Before Court Starts
21
TAF '19 • October 2018
– First day, huh. Nervous? I know I was. – No. I have everything set up. I prepared th…
Waterboy
90
NGH '23 • January 2022
It’s my first day as waterboy. The rest of staff is nowhere to be found, so I guess I gotta…
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