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Pieces

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Family
1
October 2020
I’ve got a crazy family — two brothers, four sisters, three half-brothers, one quarter-…
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My Piece About What It Would Be Like If I Wrote A Piece for the FYC #
1
October 2020
– What started out as a frankly disgusting case of unbelievable obesity had snowballed into a…
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Late
186
January 2022
I look down at the watch tattooed on my wrist. It’s 10:00. Fuck. I look up at my wall clock t…
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2020 International Video Game Awards Acceptance Speech
10
October 2020
Oh, thank you, really thank you so much. This award…it truly means so much to me. Well, it l…
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Frat Boy
39
December 2021
There’s nothing cooler than being a frat boy.  Picture this. I’m sitting on the f…
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The History of Hats
October 2020
There are all types of hats, like silver or classic. But hats haven’t always dominated our co…
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Toss Me Off The Edge, Then, Why Don’t You?
August 2020
Oh, sure. Back me up further to the edge of the boat. I don’t mind. Are you pissed? You seem …
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Rare
December 2020
Some things are less rare than you think. Winning the Lottery My friend Rigley won the lottery ye…
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Femme Fatale
3
October 2020
She walks into the room and grabs my attention. Or maybe she grabs my hand. I’m shaking now. …
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Letter to Roosevelt
January 2020
In 1939, at the urging of physicist Leo Szilárd, Einstein wrote a letter to FDR, informing h…
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Johnny Adventure, Space Cashier
33
It’s the future, but not so far in the future that cashiers are obsolete. We open on our prot…
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2019 World Expo
1
March 2019
– Attention please, the presentation by Tajikistan will begin in 5 minutes. – (20 minu…
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Dropping My D-Hall Tray
October 2020
No, dude. No no no no this is not happening right now. I’ve lightly grazed the doorframe on m…
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Vanitas
October 2020
Dear Judging Committee for the American Society for Magazine Editors, I notice you have not been r…
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My Cult
1
June 2021
If you’re thinking about joining a classic, hardcore, intense kind of cult, then only think a…
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Two Bailiffs Talk Before Court Starts
10
October 2018
– First day, huh. Nervous? I know I was. – No. I have everything set up. I prepared th…
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Ghost Hunters
32
December 2020
School’s out, plan is a go.  It’s officially Halloween.  My parents think I&r…
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Dating Simulator
15
August 2021
It’s the first day at Romance Academy. A new student introduces herself to you: Mitzi, eighte…
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Goin’ West
December 2020
Uh oh. I did it again. Fell asleep after all the kids got on the bus, so now I gotta get all these …