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Pieces

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Fireman
45
December 2022
As a fireman, I face difficult decisions on a daily and nightly basis. For instance, do I take the …
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Cool Kevin
5
December 2021
Cool Kevin is a man the military pays to come to our office and yell at us about not smoking mariju…
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My Ideas for Hallmark Cards
16
- I’m sorry I spilled your drink - It shouldn’t matter what’s in the cup, whethe…
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The Number 6
12
October 2020
Arthur Peddleton is unable to comprehend the number 6. It began as a normal day for Arthur Peddlet…
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The Trial of the Decade
6
October 2020
Frankly, it seemed certain that Marco would get lunch detention. Frank Lee, our principal, along wi…
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Girlfriend
15
September 2021
Of course I have a girlfriend, she just goes to another school. Which school? The, uh, the one a fe…
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My Speech For Tonight
9
October 2008
Hi everyone. I’m Jess’s father. Thank you all for coming to Jess’s sweet sixteen.…
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Fire Department Tour
20
March 2020
Fire Chief: And this here’s where we do our laundry—(alarm goes off) Oof, sorry kids, t…
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Lolita
74
December 2022
Lolita, light of my life, I feel fire in my loins. I lit my underwear on fire for you, Lolita. No o…
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Therapy
63
January 2022
Okay, Nathan. Now tell me what you see in this picture.  That’s a headshot of you, bu…
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Yo Mama So Fat
24
April 2019
-…is the best way I thought I could begin breaking this news, Timmy. I’m so sorry. She…
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The Big Man on Campus
10
October 2018
Yesterday the Big Man on Campus came to class late and the professor apologized. The class cried be…
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Whale Watching
11
October 2020
Guide: And here we have a FULL ORCA BREACH FOLKS A FULL BREACH! 9 O’CLOCK!!! Crowd: Wow! Ga…
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Driving to a Burger Joint
October 2018
“You gonna bring the shit tonight or what?”  Simon was riding shotgun in Bill Shi…
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Richard A. Smith: The Hero
2
December 2021
It’s every kid’s dream to be a superhero, which is why I spend all my time wandering ar…
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My Trip to Cleveland
13
December 2020
I’m going to be honest with you, reader—my sophomore fall didn’t get off to a gre…
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Pervert Alert: My Friend Josh
43
December 2021
My friend Josh, hoo boy. That guy’s into some really fucked up stuff. Just look at him. Gre…
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Biome
July 2021
Life ‘em up, boys. That’s what our sergeant used to say. Our job was to create the bigg…
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Best Picture
4
October 2020
But just what a year for movies! All my friends tell me, they tell me George Clooney, you love movi…
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Guest Lecture by Joseph Campbell at University of Chicago, Transcript 11/24/68
32
December 2020
Good evening students. I’d like to begin by thanking those of you who showed up to this lectu…