The Harvard Lampoon

All Natural #

| Issue Editor: HJH '19 | Art Editor: OJ '20

Lifeguarding

MAG '21

Lifeguard: (sips smoothie) I’m just saying: if your kid was “drowning in the deep end” then someone should jump in and save him.

Mother: You! You save him! I asked you!

Lifeguard: I can’t– I just ate. (gestures to smoothie) I’m required to wait 30 minutes before swimming again. We don’t want two– What’s your son’s name?

Mother: Rodney.

Lifeguard: We don’t want two Rodneys now, do we?

Rodney: Hurry! I’m swallowing water at a dangerous rate!

Lifeguard: Rules are the rules. Read the book. Never broke one before. Why start now?

(30 minutes pass)

Lifeguard: Well I guess I shouldn’t save someone on an empty stomach…. (sips smoothie)

Rodney: Hurry!

Lifeguard: Oh, no. This is embarrassing. You guys are gonna laugh– I did something so dumb! (gestures to smoothie)….I just ate.

Mother: Hold on Rodney! I’m almost certified.

Lifeguard: Oh my gosh.. I’ve been so rude. Would you like some smoothie, Rodney?

Rodney: Just hold out your hand an inch and I can grab it!

Lifeguard: I guess sometimes the rules are meant to be broken. This could be my destiny.

Lifeguard: (dives into pool. breaks spine.)

Rodney: I drank all the water.