The Harvard Lampoon

Once in a Blue Moon #

| Issue Editor: AJ '18 | Art Editor: TN '19

Good Cop, Bad Cop, Jelly-Donut Cop

JTB '20

Bad Cop: We have your fingerprints on the gun, the doorknob, and the victim, punk.

Good Cop: Hey just wanted to let you know we do not have your fingerprints on the gun, the doorknob, or the victim.

‘By the Book’ Cop: Goddammit I’m getting this man an attorney.

Loose-Cannon Cop: He can have three attorneys for all I care. I’ll still walk his ass straight to the slammer.

OldPete Cop: Back in my day we didn’t have slammers, we just had one big hole.

‘Just tryna make it to the end of the day’ Cop: Look, I’m just tryna make it to the end of the day, can we—

‘Throwing his Coffee’ Cop: Wait, you let this princess on the team?

Commissioner Cop: I know he is but he’s the best we’ve got.

‘I Know He is But He’s the Best We’ve Got’ Cop: (lights cigarette)

‘The New Guy’ Cop: I don’t like coffee yet.

Horse-Mounted Cop: (rides in on horse) hWell I just, hRode in from the pasture and– I do declayuh,—

FBI-Mole Cop: Man I would haate it if someone from the FBI were here right now.

Confused Cop: I’m a cop. You’re a cop. He’s a cop.

Childrens’ Book Cop: I’m a cop. You’re a cop. He’s a cop. Bwee-oop bwee-oop bwee-oop.

Recently Divorced Cop: You can rat out your partner and walk outta hear right now but you can’t have the goddamn dog!

Drug Dog: (dog noises)

Undercover Cop: Eyy Billy. Don’t you worry, long as we keep talkin’ into these wires ain’t nothing these cops can do to nobody (zips up hoodie).

Jelly-Donut Cop: Mmm om homf nom nop om nop clop.

Mall Cop: Hey, Jelly-Donut Cop they have better donuts at Cinnabon.

Jelly-Donut Cop: Wait, what the hell did you just call me?

Juggling Guns Cop: Man I sure hope these stop going off soon.

‘Lost the Key to His Handcuffs’ Cop: (internally) Just play it cool. Hold still, and no one will notice your head handcuffed to your leg.

‘Why Are There So Many Fucking Cops?’ Cop: Hey I gotta question why are there so many fucking cops?

Lonely Cop: I don’t know, but we better get some more cops in here.

Billy the Murderer: I did it.

‘Just tryna make it to the end of the day’ Cop: Look, I’m just tryna make it to the end of the day—

SWAT-Team Cop: (crashes through window) Oh God, I killed the new guy.

Jelly-Donut Cop: Yum.