What’s New
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional #
Winter 2024
Imaginary Friends #
Spring 2024
This issue is not real, but merely a figment of your imagination...
Check it Out
Crimson Parody
Spring ’25
The Lampoon's Spring 2025 parody of the Harvard Crimson
The Latest
Jobbly: Origin Story
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by HRF '25
Jobbly-joobly;
jibbly, jobbly...
My Pitch
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by JKF '25
Oh, you want my... startup idea? Well, no, I couldn’t...
Nazareth Carpentry FAQ
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by HTM '26
IF JESUS IS A MIRACLE WORKER, THEN WHY IS MY PROJECT TAKING SO LONG...
Grief Counselor
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by RB '26
Pete has been struggling to find work ever since he had the optional surgery that removed his ability to understand subtlety...
Confessional
README # • by SMR '25
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned...
Meeting My Biological Dad On Slither.io
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by LKN '25
“I’m ready,” I said, taking a deep breath. Mom and Daniel gave me a big hug. “You’re more than ready, champ...
Method Actors Anonymous
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by AGDP '26
To study for a role as a troubled alcoholic, Leonardo DiCaprio attended several real Alcoholics Anonymous meetings...
A Very Special Strealer
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by JRC '27
The Red Sox are leading the Yankees in a 2-1 nail-biter going into the ninth inning. Aaron Judge steps up to bat, and—hang on, folks—he’s been shoved out of the way by a buck naked streaker...
How Ivy League Aliens Respond When You Ask Where They Crash Landed
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by SEH '26
Oh, just a little crater in Roswell. Well I’m from New York, but every summer we crash in Area 51...
Waking Up From A Coma
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by AWE '27
Hey Bruce, how’d you sleep? I hope it was good, because we have a lot to discuss now that you’re awake. Remember Jibbly from our wedding...
Barbie Gets Breast Cancer
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by KMB '26
Welcome to the first support group meeting for Barbies with Cancer. Please help yourself to some Easy-Bake banana bread...
If Animal Farm Critiqued Other Stuff
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by AWE '27
Deep Cuts
The Black Death
Family Friendly Comedy # • by YMC '21-'22
- Anne, mine old friend, I… I hast been touch'd by the bubonic plague.- Nay! Prithee, Margaret, bid ...
The Count of Monte Cristo Returns to Marseilles
Break of Day # • by ASB '17
Count: People of Marseilles! For twenty years you unfairly imprisoned me. Now behold my immense weal...
Bunker
Mutually Assured Destruction # • by GPCP '22
Thank you for buying an ArmorSafe bunker! To finish your purchase, please select from the following ...
J. Robert Oppenheimer signs an NDA
For Your Consideration # • by CDL '21
– You understand that after you sign this document you cannot discuss the Manhattan Project with any...
Fortune Teller Comix
Smellfungus # • by MAK '21
How to Handle Being in a Long Distance Relationship
README # • by CYL '26
1) College is busy, so it is important to set up a schedule with your significant other. When the s...
Femme Fatale
For Your Consideration # • by VIN '21-'22
She walks into the room and grabs my attention. Or maybe she grabs my hand. I’m shaking now. No, we’...
Visit California
Lampy Sells Out # • by EAT '24
Recovery Clinic
The Mental Health Issue # • by YMC '21-'22
My parents decided to send me to the public Bulimia Recovery Clinic over in Toad Suck, Arkansas the ...
Lobotomy
The Mental Health Issue # • by GPCP '22
I sit down at the lunch table with a pruning saw and a smile. “Well, boys, I finally did it. I self-...
Ashes
Smellfungus # • by JFAR '19-'22
-Well hereeeee you go Mrs. Johnson — your very own son’s ashes.
-Why, doctor, these ashes smell a b...
Nuclear Bath Bomb by LUSH
Mutually Assured Destruction # • by EAT '24
Our patented technology detonates with a slow steady fizz that’ll clean your skin right off and repl...