What’s New
The POW! #
Congratulations! If you’ve made it this far...
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional #
Winter 2024
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Crimson Parody
Spring ’25
The Lampoon's Spring 2025 parody of the Harvard Crimson
The Latest
Nazareth Carpentry FAQ
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by HTM '26
IF JESUS IS A MIRACLE WORKER, THEN WHY IS MY PROJECT TAKING SO LONG...
Dear Arnold
The POW! # • by DKN ’27
Everyone we know died of STDs...
Job Application: Pizza Hut Delivery Driver
The POW! # • by The Harvard Lampoon
None of your goddam business...
If I Were A Horse
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by DKN ’27
I’m not a horse yet, but here’s things I will do if I become one...
FBI's Most Wanted Children
The POW! # • by CLHC '26
8-year-old Chinese boy who had his emotions surgically...
Post-Presidency
The POW! # • by HTM '26
Typically, presidents near the end of their term are worried about how they’ll be remembered.I’m much more worried about finding my next job...
Moments Before Impact
The POW! # • by CLHC '26
American wiretaps recorded various conversations among the residents of Hiroshima...
How Ivy League Aliens Respond When You Ask Where They Crash Landed
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by SEH '26
Oh, just a little crater in Roswell. Well I’m from New York, but every summer we crash in Area 51...
Arcade Game Update
The POW! # • by HTM '26
WELCOME TO ULTIMATE DEATH SHOWDOWN V...
Vice President
The POW! # • by HTM '26
We look great in this inauguration photo, Mr. President! Can you just do me a small favor and have the media guys edit out the bunny ears...
Triage
The POW! # • by CLHC '26
Jobbly: Origin Story
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by HRF '25
Jobbly-joobly;
jibbly, jobbly...
Deep Cuts
Store Closing
Dead of Night # • by DRM '18
To Our Valued Customers,
I regret to inform you that here at Frank’s Drugstore and Candy Emporium w...
Morning Routine
Break of Day # • by HJH '19
8:00am – Wake up and shower. This is easy if you sleep in the shower.
11:30am – Put some clothes on...
Birthday Card
The Celebration # • by RIP '09
GRANDFATHER: Here’s a card from me. Happy birthday.
SON: Thanks, grandpa.
MOTHER: Read it aloud!
...
Movie Theatre
Smellfungus # • by SWR '19-'20
The C5 Beer Pong Table Piece
The ▵S=Sf – Si = ∫dQ/T # • by GPL '21-'22
So you’re in the market for a custom Beer Pong Table, preferably in the C4 through C6 range, but you...
Bronze Age Teen Drama
The Unstoppable March # • by JRD '22-'23
Open on a mother and a son. In front of a forge. The work is hard, and the hours are long.
-Mom, I ...
Nazareth Carpentry FAQ
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by HTM '26
IF JESUS IS A MIRACLE WORKER, THEN WHY IS MY PROJECT TAKING SO LONG...
FBI's Most Wanted Children
The POW! # • by CLHC '26
8-year-old Chinese boy who had his emotions surgically...
J. Robert Oppenheimer signs an NDA
For Your Consideration # • by CDL '21
– You understand that after you sign this document you cannot discuss the Manhattan Project with any...
Larry Purchases a Masturbation Bot
Larry vs. the Infernal Machine # • by Anonymous
Larry: Power on
Masturbation Bot 3000: (turns on, starts fingering self)
Larry: Jesus… This is pe...
Thoughts From The Guy Who Stands Behind The Mona Lisa All Day And Looks Through The Holes Where The Eyes Used To Be
Entirely Secret & Completely Optional # • by SEH '26
Okay. Focus. You’re your own last line of defense. Can’t let them steal me...
World Famous Worm
Cool # • by FOD '24
We had barely started the road trip when we started seeing the signs advertising the ‘World’s Most F...