The hardest part of running a grassroots religious organization is getting all the followers to drink Kool-Aid. Apparently, that’s their line in the sand.

These people will bow at my feet and fan me with palm leaves, but as soon as I get the summertime drink mix out for the chapter barbecue, it’s all “Wait, is this a death cult?” and “Hold on. That’s the flavor mix brand they used in Jonestown.”

As soon as the J-word drops, everyone gets super antsy and starts reflecting on their journey into my up-and-coming religion. Look, I get it. The most famous religion-turned-cult in history killed off all its followers with poisoned Kool-Aid. If I were one of my followers, I certainly wouldn’t be crashing through walls and yelling “Oh yeah!” But in my religion, Kool-Aid is just a refreshment to socialize over at a barbecue. I swear to Super God.

Under normal, agnostic conditions, Kool-Aid is a perfectly safe summertime drink that pairs excellently with a hot dog and a game of cornhole. I didn’t ask for its default connotation in religion to be a cautionary tale about the power of indoctrination. I just want to rev up the grill and toss a frisbee for Pete’s sake! And hey—if you’re too much of a non-believer to pass on a refreshing cherry drink, then maybe you just aren’t meant to go to Super Heaven.