I am wolf. Not big, also not that bad. Growing up wolf, life is tough. My momma and papa are rug now in rich guy’s house. My sisters and brothers in Brooklyn Zoo.

When I am small, big foreign Hollywood producer barge into den. “I need actor. Play big bad villain. Many movies.” My parents already rug, so I say, “No, go to other den.” He shoot me with tranquilizer.

I wake up on set. 6 a.m. First day, they tell me to blow down three houses. I’m like, what I look like? Whale? I cannot blow. Then they want me to eat three pigs. These pigs pretty smart, know what is gonna happen. Start running around set, knocking stuff down. I give them good chase. More tranquilizers, “Bam bam bam.”

Six months later, movie is done and I am big star now. Go to Oscars and lose. Director give me some whiskey. I like. I like a lot. Have to meet with douchebag PR agent who has big vision for rebrand. I audition for lead role in Fantastic Mr. Fox and get part. But social media say, “Only fox can play fox.” I tell director, “I have lot of range. Wolf who hug. Wolf who cry.” He laugh right in my face.

Next movie, when I see I have to eat Grandma, I try to walk off set. Director tell me Grandma is volunteer who ready to pull plug and that I will get some whiskey, so I say ok. Just when I do the deed and think movie is over, some big muscular actor barge onto set and try to cut my stomach open. He think he gonna be big hero and rescue Grandma. I try to resist, but the whiskey has made me fat. When they try to get Grandma out, she is just bones. I’m like, what you expect to happen?

Next thing I know, movie come out and it is very so-so. Out of nowhere agent call me and say “You fired.” At first, I’m like hee hee, very funny. But then they give me whole spiel about how nobody need wolf anymore. Everyone want Adam Sandler instead.

When I get call for Jack London’s Call of the Wild, I very happy. Finally, drama role made for wolf. On set, I prepare for big fancy monologue where I reject domestication and rediscover my true nature, when director come up and tell me, “We cut that. You mostly fetch stick.”

I get so mad I actually go wild. I bite director. Not hard bite, but director is French and very dramatic. Somehow this become international incident and I am banned from seventeen country.

Now I only act in commercial for pill that fix erectile dysfunction, which I get from whiskey. Life is not good.