Hey kiddos, welcome to City Zoo: the first completely ethical zoo! We are super stoked to show you guys around today.

Wow, a question already? Yes, we did used to be a normal zoo before the incident, which I can’t directly tell you about due to legal concerns, but a vague four-word description never hurts: Crazed leopard murder-suicide. After that we needed to rebrand.

You might be wondering, where are all the animals? And to that I say: exactly where they should be. In the wild. Or a little bit down the road on the highway median. But sometimes they come back to the zoo in a Stockholm Syndrome sort of way.

Look, here’s one now! This is Fat Monkey. We don’t give our animals human names because that is degrading to their inherent worth as animals. Fat Monkey climbed into the polar bear exhibit shortly after birth. We thought he was a goner, but the polar bears actually made him their king, so he’s abnormally aggressive and troubled by climate change for a monkey. Oops! There’s that signature Fat Monkey aggression. No no, don’t call for help. This is a natural urge, and it would be unethical to stop him. You are free, Fat Monkey. Free and worthy of life.

Next is our immersive ethical simulation exhibit. We need one volunteer to step into this glassed-in enclosure. Thanks, bud. What’s your name? Brian? Okay now everyone bang on Brian’s glass super hard and we’re gonna flash some lights at him and scream. This is what it’s like to be an animal in confinement. Woah, Brian, chill out pal. No need to get like the 2015 crazed leopard. He has what? Look if Brian knows he has epilepsy he should lead with that before he volunteers for things.

But this teaches us a valuable lesson. Do you think anyone ever asked Fat Monkey if he had epilepsy? No, because we don’t listen to animals. And also, Fat Monkey had severe rabies that made him too dangerous to get close to. But you’d never know that because you’d never ask him.