The Red Sox are leading the Yankees in a 2-1 nail-biter going into the ninth inning. Aaron Judge steps up to bat, and—hang on, folks—he’s been shoved out of the way by a buck naked streaker.

It’s garish, it’s nauseating, it’s titillating—hold on a second... It looks like the streaker is putting on more clothes. You can uncover your children’s eyes. In fact, you should uncover their eyes—they need to see this. I don’t know about you folks, but this man has put on more clothes in the last twenty seconds than I have in my entire life.

The streaker is currently wearing 20 pairs of khaki shorts and 17 trendy V necks from our sponsor The Gap. The players are offering their jerseys out of deference to the streaker. And now the police are turning their attention from the streaker to arresting the 52 naked athletes.

Look at that, folks! It’s everyone’s favorite mascot Wally, and he brought a shirt gun with him. The streaker is twisting and turning in the air as Wally fires away. And let me just tell you folks—he has not missed a single shirt. I’m getting word now that the streaker’s name is Dave, based on the crowd shouting “Dave! Dave! Put on more clothes, Dave!”

The crowd is insisting that Dave pitch against the next batter, even though a Purple Heart recipient already threw the ceremonial first pitch. Dave has accumulated so many clothes that he can no longer walk—oh wait, Big Papi is rolling Dave to the pitcher’s mound. He’s the only player who hasn’t been arrested because his Cuban chain is so massive that it covers his privates.

Dave winds up and... It’s a 90-MPH bullet! Dave and the umpire are in a heated argument over whether the pitch counts as a strike. He has now taken the mask and vest from the umpire, adding it to his glob of clothes. You know what that means: Dave has acquired the authority to determine the outcome of this game.

And it’s a Red Sox victory! With that final strike, the Yankees are out, and the Red Sox are your new World Series champions! I’m going down to the field to celebrate with Dave! Hold my clothes, camera guy!