Jeremy Bentham states that pain and pleasure are our sovereign masters. It would seem that we would wish to spare man from pain, such as that of his acquaintances posting photo evidence of their deep connections to a romantic partner on Instagram. National Girlfriend Day, the leading cause of these sentimental reminders of our own crushing loneliness, generates this pain, and as such, in the utilitarian view, one would find it morally imperative to do away with it.

Other schools of thought agree. Immanuel Kant famously stated, “do unto others that you would wish upon yourself.” We can then realize that if we had a girlfriend, we would not post a lovely photo of her online with the caption “I love you,” in order to spare the endless tears that our fellow man would spiral into in his deep isolation.

As an 18th-century thinker, Kant also probably states that women are morally inferior to men. As such, a holiday celebrating their capacity to be loving partners would surely violate Kantian ideas. The moral conclusion is to do away with National Girlfriend Day. Or at least the part where you post about it online.

Even the most fringe wings of philosophy agree that National Girlfriend Day is morally objectionable. Take libertarianism, or the idea that taxes are evil. In a sense, National Girlfriend Day is a form of taxation on the sanity of the single man. While we usually hesitate to provide anecdotal evidence in academic contexts, this philosopher can concur that, as a lifelong libertarian and hopeless romantic, the tax rates on my heart are too damn high. When will Girlfriends the world across levy the fee of my love? That is the only tax I can bear. That and sales tax on burgers.

To any girl readers, I hope you are not personally discouraged by my objection to your special day. I support women. In fact, I am looking for a girlfriend. But I am in no rush to find one by August 1st, because that day, as far as I am ethically and morally concerned, is no more important than Flag Day or Tuesday. QED.