Driving to a Burger Joint – The Harvard Lampoon

Last Ditch Effort #

| Issue Editor: HLD '18 | Art Editor: KDF '19

Driving to a Burger Joint

  CAS '12

“You gonna bring the shit tonight or what?”

Simon was riding shotgun in Bill Shipley’s car, and his mind was on the party at Alexandra’s house that night. His game plan was to get really fucked up off of mainline heroin and then maybe work up the courage to kiss Rebecca, one of his best friends, on the dance floor.  

        “Watch your language please Simon,” Mrs. Shipley said from the back seat. “What is he talking about, Bill?”

        “Yo I’m so fucking sorry Mrs. S!” Simon apologized. “I was talking about getting some douche bag prick her-o-innnn though, shit!”

        “I think he’s kidding, mom.” Bill said, focusing on the road, trying not to let Simon bother him too much. “I don’t think Simon knows how to buy heroin.”

        “Well that’s good,” Mrs. Shipley said. “Simon, you know you shouldn’t even try to buy heroin. It is a very dangerous drug, I hear.”

        “Thanks for the tip, Mrs. S!” Simon said, before turning to Bill and slightly lowering his voice. “Yo Simon I’m gonna fuck this burger like I fucked your mom last night!”

        “That’s enough now, Simon,” Mr. Shipley spoke up from the back seat.

        “Yo what the fuck was I thinking, shit!” Simon apologized. “I forgot I was in the car with the king of fucking Mrs. S!” He reached his hand back to high-five Mr. Shipley, and when he was refused he tried to high-five Mrs. Shipley and Mr. Shipley at the same time.

        “Look Simon,” Bill said through gritted teeth, “Once we get to the burger joint and finish our burgers you and me are going to have a nice, long talk.”

Simon and the Shipley family didn’t say anything for a couple of minutes, thinking of the delicious burgers they were about to enjoy.