DEREK: Hey, it’s Derek from I.T. It’s my job to oversee your search history, and I noticed you’ve spent the past few hours looking at ropes and night vision goggles. I just wanted to let you know that if you’re planning a heist, I’m in.

DEREK: BTW—I’m a pretty good driver and a tech wiz (duh). I’d be happy to fill either of those positions in your crew, but I’m open to other stuff too. Just lmk what we’re heisting.

DEREK: Noticed you didn’t get back to my past few emails—a solo heist type of guy, I see. I totally get it, no need to respond. And from one heister to another: Good luck.

DEREK: Did you see Jackson’s new cut? Sorry, just trying to make some friendly banter.

DEREK: Just saw you look up walkie-talkies. Not trying to jump to conclusions here, but that makes me think you’re planning a group heist and excluding me on purpose. Like I said, I’m a pretty good getaway driver.

DEREK: “How to block people from viewing my search history.” Ha ha. It’s this kind of friendly banter that shows me how much fun we’ll have when we heist together.

DEREK: Very funny, but it’s kind of been played out now. Can you turn your search history back on?

ALEX: Hi, Derek.

Seven emails in ten minutes is a bit much, don’t you think? I don’t appreciate your belligerence or your assumption that I am planning a heist. Not that it is any of your business, but the gear is for a camping trip this weekend with my family. And as manager of the HR department, it is now my responsibility to report you for this ridiculous insubordination.

Listen Derek, ignore that last paragraph. They never read more than a paragraph, Derek—remember that. They’ve been hunting us for years now, there’s not many of us left, but you! I can tell you have an eye for the heist! My crew needs a getaway driver, and if you’re as good as you say, you’re the guy for the job. Meet me at 64°09’40.7”S 62°21’13.0”W tomorrow at 5:00AM and we’ll talk.

P.S. Just saw Jackson’s new hair. Genuinely trying not to laugh.