Genesis – The Harvard Lampoon

My Creation Myth #

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  HJH '19

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless
and empty, but between you and me there was a little form and a whole lot of ocean.
The Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. Just floating there about three feet in
the air. And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was something in his throat so he
had to say it again a little louder. God saw that the light was good, and he called it “day.”
The darkness he called “nort.” This was the first day. Then God said, “Let there be a
vault between the waters to separate water from water,” and his assistant said “Ok.”
And it was so, so good. Having accomplished his allotted one task per day, God
declared that it was now the third day. Although he could fly, God could not swim and
was embarrassed to constantly wear a lifejacket around his assistant. So he said, “Let
there be dry land and green vegetation upon it. I will call this vegetation “nort.” And it
was bad because he had already named something nort. For the rest of the day, God
sat around trying to think of a word that wasn’t nort. After a long time he finally decided
on a name for this vegetation: nort. On the fourth day, God created the sun and the
moon to help keep track of time. For example, seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks,
months, years, decades, two-decades, and centuries. On the fifth day, God said “Let the
water teem with life and let the sky teem with birds and let the water teem with sky,”
forgetting the decision he had made earlier to distinguish between the sky and ocean.
And he heard from a friend that it was good. On the sixth day, God brainstormed many
animals and came up with fire ants, bull ants and humans. He created humans in his
image and bull ants in the image of fire ants. He looked upon all his creations and saw
that they were good. On the seventh day, God took rest because Sunday is the