Half Day – The Harvard Lampoon

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| Issue Editor: SWR '19 | Art Editor: SW '20

Half Day

  MAG '21

Good afternoon, parents. Principal Mueller here calling to inform you that your student has been released from classes for the rest of today.

I realize that half-days are usually reserved for major events like Yom Kippur, Scott Bennett’s dad’s funeral, both, or when Timothy Jernigan is glued to the roof of the gym, but you’ll never guess what happened: Timmy Jernigan was glued to the gym roof again.

This may feel like an inconvenience to you, but know it is an even bigger inconvenience to us: we can’t remember how we got him down last time and he’s starting come loose from his hold. While my concern for his health is present, so is my interest in how he’ll fare in the free-fall. The physics department has a running bet with the janitorial staff that they’ll be able to clean up the mess in under thirty minutes and the biology department eagerly anticipates the dissection. We don’t want him to fall, but we sure would like to see it.

As we wait for the boy’s descent an investigation has begun into who could have done this. Jernigan’s primary bullies—Mike Argyle, Mark Sinclair, David Atkinson, Chuck Shooler, Leslie Manhattan, James Teigan Jr., James Teigan Sr., Mrs. Teigan, Doyle Eltonson, Nick Minchin, Mick Ninchin, Ninchin McChinmicknin, Steve Robinson(?), the breakfast club, the varsity hockey team, the varsity baseball team, the varsity football team, the varsity football, Mayor Hoskins, the 1980 U.S Olympic ski team, the breakfast crew, Ted Danson from CSI, Handlebar the Hooligan, the Westborough Street Gang, the Eastborough Street Gang, the Northborough Street Tween Coalition, the streets, the School Board, the Superintendent’s office, crossing guard Mario, Wheelchair Carry, No-Wheelchair Kyle, Walks-Just-Fine Randall, The Burleson County Student Magician Collective, The Chess Society, The Math Team, The Calculator Club, the admins of the webpage www.kidsstucktothings.com/timmyjernigan, the lunch ladies, the “student formerly known as Steve Robinson,” Scott Bennett’s dad, the student protest movement known as “The Fringe,” Spike the Janitor, Anonymous, James Murphy, Blake McCormick: former showrunner of the TBS sitcom Cougar Town, the police, the kids Timmy refers to as his “boys,” Coach Maverick, Coach Leslie, Coach Gomer, Steve Robinson, his direct and extended family, and myself—have all been questioned in relation to the prank, but no evidence has come forth.

I would like to clarify, that while I have been known to post Timmy’s diary entries to the lunchroom bulletin, my past victimization of the kid in no way affects my investigation into this incident. Have a good afternoon.