Judge, Jury, and Executioner – The Harvard Lampoon

Sets In The West #

| Issue Editor: TBW '18 | Art Editor: PEDSES '19

Judge, Jury, and Executioner

  TAF '19

– …and now that I’ve got you, I’ll be your judge, jury, and executioner.

– Wait, so I’ll still get a trial?

– Of course. And I’ll be your attorney. So, what’s being arrested like? I’m also the court reporter.

– It’s a little confusing.

– Back off! No questioning my client. Let’s talk shop. Did you do it?

– Are you my lawyer right now? Or the judge?

– Ahh! You caught me! Okay, now I’m your lawyer.

– Okay. How am I getting off?

– First, you weren’t read your Miranda rights by that moron waste-of-life cop.

– Which was you.

– Plus, you can call a mistrial because the judge and your lawyer have been drinking.

– I think I’m going to leave.

– Shh. We need to be quiet. The bailiff is about to speak. All rise for honorable Judge Murray. Let me tell you right now, Judge. That man is guilty. I object, your honor. He has no evidence. Oh shut up Jack, we both know he’s headed to the clink. He’ll go to jail over my dead body you son of a bitch!