Keynote Speech – The Harvard Lampoon

Once in a Blue Moon #

| Issue Editor: AJ '18 | Art Editor: TN '19

Keynote Speech

  SWR '19

– And that is how Denta-Firm is changing the game, as the world’s first ever blood-free toothpaste for women. I’ll now take some questions. You, sir.
– Yeah, it sounded like you just said “blood-free,” which you hadn’t mentioned at any other point in your speech before?
– That is correct.
– So are you saying Denta-Firm is the first blood-free toothpaste for women, or like, the first blood-free toothpaste ever?
– Our scientists were the first ever to synthesize toothpaste without using human blood, and we’re set on marketing our product toward women.
– …
– …
– And are people okay with that? Did everyone know about this but me?!
– Please, sir…
(old man in the back, rising up) Ahem! My fellow peers. I, too, was troubled by this revelation that toothpaste is made of blood. But as it is a necessity for maintaining one’s good hygiene, and I refuse to purchase toothpaste for women, I will continue my use of regular toothpaste, while respectfully purchasing Denta-Firm for my wife and effeminate son. Thank you for all your work, doctor.
(applause)