Lifeguard – The Harvard Lampoon

Just Friends #

| Issue Editor: GWN '16 | Art Editor: JXY '16


  RJS '17 , Art: BAB '17


I became a lifeguard because I love helping people by kissing them. I’m proud to say that no one has ever drowned on my shift at the Green Hills Country Club pool. I am too vigilant and too good a kisser for that.

I have kissed so many people back to life. My first kiss was Robbie Flanagan, poolside, 2008. He coughed up chlorine into my mouth. It was something special.

One of my favorite things to do as a lifeguard is to survey the pool from my lifeguard chair and pick out the people I hope start to drown. A lot of beautiful people come to the Green Hills Country Club pool, and if any of them looks even a little bit like drowning, I get to kiss them. I have to kiss them.

One time I saw Jane Humphrey playing with her baby sister in the shallow end. Her smile made my heart skip a beat and my brain want her to inhale pool water. When her kid sister splashed her in the face, hard, I knew it was now or never. I dove in to save her. Jane hasn’t come back to the pool since then, too traumatized by her near-death experience.

Sometimes, an old or deformed person begins drowning, and you’re faced with a moral dilemma. If you let them die, you will probably lose your lifeguard position and never be allowed to kiss anyone again. The best thing to do in these situations is to kiss them, but afterwards make an embarrassed expression and wipe your lips and maybe spit a little so that everyone knows you didn’t really want to do it.

Guarding lives is a lot of responsibility, but it’s the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. Honestly, saving people feels good. All warm and fluttery and blushing all over.