To study for a role as a troubled alcoholic, Leonardo DiCaprio attended several real Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, which set an unfortunate precedent for aspiring actors.

Clarénce: Oh alcohol, I am but a feeble servant of your vast teachings.

Claude-Paul: The sweet ambrosia of beer tickles my tongue as I titter with delight. This happens to me at least once a week, for I am a hopeless addict.

Clarénce: Oh please. I recently consumed over fourteen standard twelve ounce drinks over 168 hours—which I’m sure you know is the—

Jean:—CDC threshold? Yes.

Bill: I’m Bill.

All: Good morrow, Bill!

Bill: Yesterday I got so drunk I forgot to pick up my daughter... Are you taking notes?

Claude-Paul: (to Clarénce) He’s good.

Jean: I too did that, for I have scores of children scattered across the globe as a result of my drunken revelry.

Claude-Paul: If I had a penny for every child I mistakenly conceived, I’d finally have enough to purchase the liqueur of my dreams: Chartreuse Genevie Peres, 1939.

Bill: All I want to do is finish my degree but between buying booze and paying the divorce lawyer, I’ve got nothing.

Clarénce: I also lack classical training.

Jean: In many ways, the ramshackle streets slums “classically trained” me in the ways of knavery—

Session Leader: That’s enough, Jean... You’ve got the part.