Missy Manners – The Harvard Lampoon

Missy Manners

  JBL '93

Okay, so you’re in the cafeteria. They’re serving peas. The boy across from you is throwing peas like an expert into your milk carton. Proper etiquette response is, “Cool, Man!”

 

A girl you do not like asks you to her dumb birthday party. What does etiquette say to do? Etiquette says, “Out-o-sight, man! I’ll be there.” Then don’t go. If your Mom finds out and makes you go, act weird at the party and make sure everyone can tell you’ve been crying. If the party is at Shakey’s, don’t eat any pizza, and don’t eat cake no matter what! Or you’ll have to be friends. Don’t say thank-you to the dumb Mom.

 

Okay, enough free stuff. Here are your questions.

 

Dear Missy Manners:

My Grandma gives me the wrong stuff, but I kiss her anyway. Then, later, my mom makes me write thank you notes. Is this etiquette?

Gentle Reader:

First, when you get the wrong stuff, kiss Grandma but make sure she knows she screwed up. Say “Cool, Grandma…”, then go sit alone in your room and don’t take the present with you. If your mom makes you write a note, etiquette says write it like, “Thank you for the present. I hate Mommy. I love you even though.”

 

Dear Missy Manners:

My mom makes me have my birthday party with the red-headed boy because we have the same birthday. This is not fair!

Gentle Reader:

When the moms cut the cake and the boy’s mom hands the first piece to you, don’t eat it like it has cooties. Say, like etiquette, “Give it to Dee” and cry when they ask why. When Dee tries to get another piece say “You have had enough.” This is okay, because your mom knows you really hate this boy, but she is being cheap with the other mother, so she feels guilty. Don’t say anything in the car home. Then say, “this is the worst birthday ever”. This will make mom cry.