My Birth – The Harvard Lampoon

Flesh & Blood #

| Issue Editor: MVS '17 | Art Editor: ARC '18

My Birth

AJ '18

Here are some things that might happen when I am born.

— The doctor accidentally gives my parents the placenta and throws me away. My parents raise the placenta for 4-5 years before they realize their mistake. However upon meeting me they immediately give me up for adoption due to my cystic fibrosis.

— The doctor thinks I am conjoined twins but really my penis is just an exact body double of me. The doctor separates us, leaving me incapable of ever having sex. However my penis-double-of-me has his own penis, and he regularly picks up girls to have sex with them (which I cannot do). He is six inches tall. Despite all this, we grow up together and are very close friends, until years later he commits an unforgivable but unrelated betrayal.

— After I am born, they put me in the hospital nursery. The nursery is too crowded and I end up rolling over and kissing a baby of the same gender, which is gay.

— The soft spot on the top of my head never closes but instead grows even more pronounced. The schoolyard kids compete to throw candies into it and when it rains I have to repeatedly thrust my head downwards to empty it out. If I forget to do this the birds will bathe in it. I am allergic to birds, as they cause me to grow a scalp rash that is even more enticing to birds.

— I come out shriveled and raisin-sized. Little do my parents know, all they need to do is put me in water for an hour and I will grow back to normal. They eventually figure this out but I am 17 years old and have already missed out on critical social skills.

— As I am born, my dog tries to run away but he has no legs and he’s just sitting in my yard.

AJ SWR