One Man Car Wash – The Harvard Lampoon

Nantucket Sleighride #

| Issue Editor: ZDG '20 | Art Editor: SKL '23

One Man Car Wash

  HJH '19   JGS '20


(standing on street corner with buckets of water, some rags, and a ‘Car Wash’ sign)

– (runs up in a suit with a briefcase) You doing washes?

– Yep.

– Alright, I have a meeting in 20 so just a quick scrub should be good. 

– Is your car nearby?

– Hm? Oh no, just give me a quick wash.

– Wash you?

– Yeah just a quick sponge down should be fine. You only need to hit the important areas.

– I don’t think I can do that.

– Look, I didn’t have time to shower this morning and I have to pitch the quarterlies to the whole company. Just polish me up.

– I, okay. Sure. (starts scrubbing)

– And I can’t expense this so give me the cheapest option.

– There’s only one–

– (picking up phone) Hello? Yeah. Okay. Well firesale the assets and collateralize the cash. I don’t care if he’s trying to leverage a frickin’ gold mine, I–Hey watch it, kid! No yeah, I’m just getting a quick hose down and this kid has no idea what he’s doing. (Chuckling) Yeah. Oh yeah. Big time dipshit. Definitely his first time.

– (stops washing and looks up)

– Hello? Meeting? Ten minutes? 

– Sorry. (continues washing)

– There’s plenty of boys on this city’s corners who’d kill for a wash job like this.

– Ok.

– Alright. Alright. I’ll be at the office soon. Just a few miles walk away. Buh bye.

– Ok, I think I’m done. That’s $20.

– $20? I didn’t ask for a premium splash job. It was just a standard wash. You didn’t even get these shit marks out of my underwear.

– I’m sorry I just, I only have one price.

– All you guys are the same. Try to nickel and dime me at the last second. These pants are soiled. You got my shit all wet. Now it’s gonna drip everywhere.

– Oh man. I just…why did you shit in your pants?

– Look. You seem like a good kid so I’m gonna let you off easy. This is two dollars. And I want you to have it.

– But it’s $20.

– Look at me. I’m about to walk three miles to work soaking wet. By the time I get there it’s gonna evaporate and I’m gonna need a whole ‘nother hosedown. This was useless. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting to attend (starts to leave)

– Wait.

(Stops and comes back)

– I want you to have this (gives him the two dollars). I gave you a dogshit scrub down and then I tried to scam you for $20. You deserve better.  I mean Christ, I didn’t even get the shit out your ass.

– You know, not a lot of kids would have the nerve to say that. Hey. Have you ever seen an office before?

– Yes.

– Come on, I think you’ll like this (walk off together, arm in arm).