Me: I did not kill my wife.

Lie Detector: Lie.

Lie Detector Lie Detector: True.

Judge: So did he kill her or not?

Witness: I saw it with my own eyes!

Witness Witness: Soft, cerulean blue eyes.

Judge: (banging gavel) Order! Order in the court!

Judge Judge: (banging sledgehammer) Those shoes with that robe? Seriously?

Stenographer: (furiously typing) Oh fuck.

Stenographer Stenographer: (furiously typing) STENOGRAPHER: (furiously typing) Oh fuck.

Bailiff Bailiff: Anyone seen the Bailiff?

Court Artist: What an eclectic scene.

Court Artist Artist: (to Court Artist) I’m taking creative liberties and making you naked.

Me: This is getting ridiculous. I have better things to do.

Lie Detector: Lie. You’re unemployed.

Lie Detector Lie Detector: True.

Lie Detector Lie Detector Lie Detector: True.

Lie Detector Lie Detector Lie Detector Lie Detector Lie Detector: True.

Lie Detector Detector: Yup, just as I thought. A lie detector.

Wife: (bursting into the courtroom) Stop the trial. I’m alive!

Wife Wife: And in a loving lesbian relationship.

Wife Wife Wife: Cheating skank!

Me: Wait, so if I didn’t kill my wife…who did I kill?

Bailiff Bailiff: Seriously guys, I can’t find him anywhere.