President Nice Guy – The Harvard Lampoon

Sets In The West #

| Issue Editor: TBW '18 | Art Editor: PEDSES '19

President Nice Guy

  HFJ '18

Richard Holton, our first Nice Guy president, eased out of the womb on December 24, 1921, giving doctors plenty of time to go enjoy their Christmas. His first word was a smile. The warmest of five children, Richard quickly gained a reputation as a kindness prodigy. While other toddlers struggled to form full sentences, Richard was able to say things like, “How was your day?” and truly care about the answer.

Despite his résumé’s focus on other people’s accomplishments, Richard was admitted to college with a scholarship as generous as he was. He entered school excited to learn, but professors soon asked him to skip class. It was hard to teach over all that applause. Richard majored in Compliments and graduated top study-buddy in his class. He won a national debate championship after agreeing to disagree with his opponents. Senior year, he was elected homecoming king, homecoming queen, and dean.

His last name was officially changed to Nice Guy after a census taker was blown away by his patience. Out of humility, Richard insisted that his name be changed back to Holton. When his court appeal was denied, Nice Guy graciously accepted the result.

After making his local congressman blush to death, Richard became Representative Nice Guy. Voters elected him unanimously, undeterred by his youth and stated disinterest in the position. By the end of his first day on Capitol Hill, all politicians belonged to one party. He took the second day off to donate organs.

In November 1955, he gave his famed speech, “You All Seem Wonderful, But I Would Like to Retire, Please.” The American people knew it was time for President Nice Guy. He refused to run a dirty campaign or any campaign at all. He became the first candidate to openly endorse his opponent. By mid-July, they called off the election and gave Nice Guy the White House. The sitting president was thrilled; Nice Guy personally helped him move out.

The defining move of his presidency was remembering everyone’s birthday. Not wanting to hog the spotlight, he resigned after three weeks. President Nice Guy’s reverence for foreign nations was reflected in his decision to move to one. But the voters were wise to his kind tricks, and they elected him to 14 more terms via write-in ballot. He died at the age of Young at Heart while attempting to tunnel out of the White House.