Store Closing – The Harvard Lampoon

Dead of Night #

| Issue Editor: GJA '17 | Art Editor: BAB '17

Store Closing

  DRM '18

To Our Valued Customers,

I regret to inform you that we here at Frank’s Drugstore and Candy Emporium will be closing our doors for good this Friday. After only a handful of months and a couple dozen handfuls of lawsuits, I find that we can no longer provide for your pharmaceutical and/or sugar-tooth needs.

I, Frank “Candyman” Jerrigan, started this store with one simple goal: to make drugstores more fun. Also, to make candy stores more serious. I envisioned kids finding their Smarties in the same aisle that their parents found their Vicodin. I fantasized about Xanax in Pez dispensers and M&Ms in pill bottles. I had a wet dream of a fondue fountain overflowing with chocolate flavored cough syrup.

Today, that dream, like several of my former customers, dies. It’s tough to say where it all went wrong. Personally, I blame fluctuations in global mint prices over quarter three of fiscal year 2016 that undermined East Asian supply chains and destabilized the prescription hemorrhoid cream market. Others point to the numerous cases of preschoolers found in opium dens after developing opiate addictions from my patented Mystery Bags O’ Fun.

As far as our remaining assets go, we have none. But I’d like to end with a note on dreams. Dreams are really powerful. Especially when you’ve consistently mistaken Valium for Tic Tacs.

And with that, I’d like to bid adieu to what few customers we still have and invite all of you to the grand opening of my new store, Sex Toys ‘R Us.

Signed,
Frank “Sex Toy” Jerrigan