Hey Bruce, how’d you sleep? I hope it was good, because we have a lot to discuss now that you’re awake. Remember Jibbly from our wedding? He was the guy hanging out in the corner who all of a sudden made a huge appearance on the dance floor. We were mad he showed up uninvited, but it turned out he seriously knew how to bust some moves, remember? Well, Jibbly and I are married now.

I know this must be hard for you to hear, but ever since the crash, Jibbly has been a shoulder to cry on. When he found out you were in a coma, he mailed me a VCR documentary of him learning how to dance as a youngster—boy did that cheer me up. Apparently his spine was surgically removed when he was 4, which is why his flow is smooth like butter. I know your spine is melted now too, but Jibbly and I are in love, Bruce.

These days, whenever I’m sad, Jibbly just hits the splits and starts spinning on his head. And unlike you, he doesn’t care about money—Jibbly only deals in two currencies, breakdance and USD. Speaking of money, since we’ve been apart, you’ve been paying child support on all of my and Jibbly’s kids, of which we have 17. He’s very potent for a 100-year-old, and your bank account has effectively been drained to zero. Here, have a fruit cup.

Come on Bruce, no need to tug on your life support—Jibbly and I are doing better than ever. Last week he was on Dancing With the Stars, and the judges immediately wired us the prize money after seeing Jibbly hit the frothy slide. He really frothed it up in there. A few people in the audience had heart attacks, and doctors are yet to figure out if it was because they were jealous of my having such a handsome husband, or because they were jealous of Jibbly’s elongated physique. Either way, the show received 5x viewership because of Jibbly, and he just signed to be one of their judges next season.

So, I hope that clears things up. I know waking up from a coma can feel strange, but when you look in the mirror you’ll feel like the exact same man, just with one fewer wife. You may also see a mustache drawn on your face in Sharpie. That was Jibbly. Isn’t he great? I never came to visit, but Jibbly was here all the time to make sure you were doing alright. He sees you as a friend.