WWE – The Harvard Lampoon

My Creation Myth #

| Issue Editor: ASB '17 | Art Editor: ASB '17

WWE

  ASB '17

Announcer: In the red corner, he’s your favorite all-American punisher, it’s Joe “Big Guns”
Wilson!
Crowd: (cheers)
Announcer: And in the blue corner, he could buy your house and use it as a trash can, it’s the
evil Mr. Moneybags!
Crowd: (boos)
Joe: Get ready for a Joe Wilson beat-down, you rich little weasel!
Crowd: (cheers)
Mr. Moneybags: Not before me and my moneybags buy this entire stadium!
Crowd: (boos)
Joe: You make me sick!
Mr. Moneybags: And when I turn it into a synagogue there will be no more wrestling!
Crowd: (boos)
Joe: Oh, yikes…that’s no good. To be clear, that first part is irrelevant, but I definitely won’t let
you stop the wrestling!
Crowd: (cheers)
Mr. Moneybags: You dare defy me and my plan to force wrestling fans to give up pork?
Crowd: (boos)
Joe: Uh – it’s not cool to coerce others! I mean if you do kosher, whatever, Joe Wilson doesn’t
have a problem with that. But I do have a problem with your plan generally!
Crowd: (silence)
Joe: …And I’m gonna kick your ass!
Crowd: (cheers)
Mr. Moneybags: I’m sooooo scared! But what will you do when I tag in the Hollywood Elite?
Joe: I’m gonna pulverize them!
Crowd: (cheers)
Joe: As I would any wrestler! And when you read the headlines tomorrow, I’m sure it’ll be
something like: Joe Wilson pulverizes religiously diverse group of people who have
circumstantially acquired–
Mr. Moneybags: Enough chit-chat! Let’s see you counter The 9-Headed Fire-Sword!
Joe: Oh god, that looks an awful lot like a menorah.
Mr. Moneybags: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Are you saying your famous Flying
Knee is useless against my Tiny-Felt-Shield-Cap?
Joe: It would be very easy to take you out with the Flying Knee. These are sacred symbols and
I’m on national television…
Announcer: What’s this? It looks like Joe Wilson is finally getting some help!
Sleepy Taco Tito: (falls asleep)
Joe: Damnit, Sleepy Taco Tito. You’re so lazy.