I’m caught in a time loop where every day I wake up naked inside a piñata. Here’s what a typical day looks like for me:

1:00 pm: I awake to the sensation of my buttocks chafing against papier-mâché. “Billy’s eleventh birthday is going to be lovely,” I hear a voice say.

1:25 pm: “Why is this piñata shaped exactly like Uncle Jared?” asks another voice. I try to scream out, but my mouth is stuffed with candy.

1:50 pm: Billy’s friends start bashing me with baseball bats. Seconds later, everyone is super freaked out when I, a portly middle-aged man, fall out of the piñata completely butt-naked and covered in bruises.

1:51 pm: I grab a fistful of loose confetti and try using it to cover my private parts, unsuccessfully. All of Billy’s friends are staring at me in horror.

1:52 pm: [Redacted here because the original paragraph includes explicit sexual content involving minors. You can insert your own text in this paragraph tag if you’re editing locally.]

1:56 pm: “Can someone give me a towel or something?” I ask, still very much naked. Everyone has just been standing there dumbstruck this entire time.

1:59 pm: Billy’s Dad, my brother, finally speaks: “Jared, I suppose this whole thing couldn’t possibly be your fault, but you can’t be part of the family anymore. Thanksgiving would be way too awkward with you there.” Little does he know the last time I attended a Thanksgiving dinner was ten thousand years ago.

2:00 pm: The time loop resets, meaning my entire existence is relegated to reliving this one-hour time period. On the bright side, I’ve eaten over a million pieces of candy and never gained any weight.