I’m caught in a time loop where every day I wake up naked inside a piñata. Here’s what a typical day looks like for me:

1:00 pm: I awake to the sensation of my buttocks chafing against papier-mâché. “Billy’s eleventh birthday is going to be lovely,” I hear a voice say.

1:25 pm: “Why is this piñata shaped exactly like Uncle Jared?” asks another voice. I try to scream out, but my mouth is stuffed with candy.

1:50 pm: Billy’s friends start bashing me with baseball bats. Seconds later, everyone is super freaked out when I, a portly middle-aged man, fall out of the piñata completely butt-naked and covered in bruises.

1:51 pm: I grab a fistful of loose confetti and try using it to cover my private parts, unsuccessfully. All of Billy’s friends are staring at me in horror.

1:52 pm: Day after day, I expose myself to these children. I feel horrible about this because I am not a pedophile. Sometimes I think about how if I were a pedophile, this whole situation would actually be pretty awesome, but then I feel super weird about thinking that.

1:56 pm: “Can someone give me a towel or something?” I ask, still very much naked. Everyone has just been standing there dumbstruck this entire time.

1:59 pm: Billy’s Dad, my brother, finally speaks: “Jared, I suppose this whole thing couldn’t possibly be your fault, but you can’t be part of the family anymore. Thanksgiving would be way too awkward with you there.” Little does he know the last time I attended a Thanksgiving dinner was ten thousand years ago.

2:00 pm: The time loop resets, meaning my entire existence is relegated to reliving this one-hour time period. On the bright side, I’ve eaten over a million pieces of candy and never gained any weight.

I’m caught in a time loop where every day I wake up naked inside a piñata...

Human Piñata

— Dude, what the hell? When I type the letter ‘p’ into your browser it automatically suggests a bunch of porn. 
— Do you have to borrow my laptop right now? 
— I just tried typing the letter ‘a’, and the first result that comes up is ‘amazing porn.’ 
— Seriously, give that back. 
— For ‘b’ it just says ‘big porn.’ What does that even mean? 
— How about I just buy you your own laptop so you don’t have to use mine to do homework? We can go to the Apple Store right now. 
— For ‘m’ it’s suggesting ‘minimum sentence for accidental murder with samurai sword.’ 
— Haha, you got me man. I watch a lot of porn. 
— What’s up with that last one? 
— It’s um… also porn. Super niche, kinky stuff. Try typing ‘x.’ 
— It says ‘xylophone is a word that starts with x. Now show me that good, good porn.’ 
— See? All there is to see on my laptop is porn. Now if you could please stop— 
— ‘L.’ ‘Is it possible to bring someone back to life after dying?’ 
— That’s um… one of my favorite porn videos. Pretty niche, but really hot. 
— ‘D.’ ‘Does CPR work on decapitated head?’ 
— I’m just going to unplug the Wi-Fi router. 
— ‘S.’ ‘Step by step guide on how to cut birthday cake with samurai sword in most kick-ass way possible including 720 degree spin and flip no expert supervision required’ 
— … 
— Wow man, you’re into some super weird porn.

 Dude, what the hell? When I type the letter ‘p’...

Google Autocomplete

This is the story of Jizzy Fuckwad scamming an elderly woman on Facebook Marketplace.

Jizzy Fuckwad needed some cash ASAP. He said to himself, “You know what? Now’s as good a time as any. I mean, right now. I’m going to scam an elderly woman on Facebook Marketplace. Fuck it. Why the hell not?”

Jizzy Fuckwad opened up his laptop and found a stock photo of a refurbished Restoration Hardware couch. He screenshotted it and listed the couch on Facebook Marketplace for $900. In minutes, Jizzy Fuckwad was receiving hundreds of direct messages.

“Dude, your name is WHAATT??” read one DM.

“Jizzy Fuckwad! It says so in the profile,” Jizzy Fuckwad wrote back. “Now that that’s out of the way, are you interested in this high end modular sectional?”

It seemed like every DM had something to say about Jizzy Fuckwad’s name. Except one.

“Hello dearie, I’d like to purchase this couch!” read the lone DM. Jizzy Fuckwad clicked on the sender’s profile and found that she was in her mid-seventies. Jizzy Fuckwad wrote back that he needed to be paid via Venmo — not through the Facebook Marketplace framework — to “reduce fees.” After receiving the payment, Jizzy Fuckwad promptly transferred the money to his bank account and blocked the old woman on every platform.

Jizzy Fuckwad then felt so guilty that he reached for his phone to call the police on himself. But Jizzy Fuckwad’s phone died at that very moment, leaving Jizzy Fuckwad a second to contemplate the fact that he was now $900 richer.

This is the story of Jizzy Fuckwad scamming an elderly woman on Facebook Marketplace...

Jaemin Feldman.css-1xlpnei{margin:0px -15px 0px 6px;width:11px;vertical-align:-14px;}

Jaemin Feldman