I’m not a horse yet, but here’s things I will do if I become one.

1. Jump and frolic in hay.
2. JSmoke cigarettes and not get addicted.
3. Run faster than Aaron, my cousin who is two years younger than I am but faster somehow.
4. Break into a food truck and just stand there until the owner comes.
5. Smoke cigarettes and blow them right in Aaron’s face, but no one can do anything because I am a horse.
6. Buy alcohol legally and then don’t share any with Aaron.
7. Run at one horsepower.
8. Visit Seaworld drunk, but Aar- on has to stay home because he sucks.
9. Finally vote.
10. Get a ketamine prescription.
11. Buy milk legally, then drink it right in front of Aaron, because he has a severe milk allergy. Not just lactose intolerance—like he’ll straight up die.
12. Bite a baby.
13. Have a way bigger penis than my cousin Aaron, right?
14. Fight in a war by running up to the bad guys and beating the shit out of them with my hooves.
15. Stand right in front of Aaron, with his head sort of at leg level, and then kick him with both of my back legs real hard right in the skull.
16. Gallop directly toward a group of old people and then stop right before I hit them