I’m almost identical to Sisyphus, except my curse is to eternally smoke an infinitely long cigarette all the time.
 
This all happened because I made a wish to the cigarette fairy, who’s like the tooth fairy except she’s a woman named Sue who’s really pale and balding, and instead of leaving you money in exchange for teeth she just comes to your house and knocks things over. I wished for a second bathroom in my apartment so my roommate Andy wouldn’t keep walking through my room to get to the bathroom in the mornings. He walks through like eight times within ten minutes, and when I confronted him he was like “I have to take out my retainer, that's why.” Fuck that guy. 
 
Anyways, the cigarette fairy gave me a really long cigarette instead. I thought it was because I wasn’t specific enough with the wording of my wish or something, but it’s just that the cigarette fairy doesn’t play by the rules.
 
I thought having this cigarette would be cool, but there are actually some big drawbacks. It makes it really hard to do things like turn my head to the left or right, because the infinitely long cigarette will bump into things like lamps and drawers. When it rains, the cigarette doesn’t go out, but it does get all limp and wet and then I have to drag it behind me. Also, one time an alien grabbed the end of the cigarette and pulled real hard. 
 
I saw the cigarette fairy the other day in a Best Buy parking lot, siphoning gasoline out of a cop car with a straw. When I confronted her about putting an infinitely long cigarette in my mouth forever, she just ignored me and then went back to my apartment and roughed up my couch. 
 
Worst part is, I’ve never gotten a hit from the cigarette, because the only way to light it is to point it directly at the sun.

I’m almost identical to Sisyphus, except...

Sisyphus

I’m not a horse yet, but here’s things I will do if I become one.
<ol>
<li>Jump and frolic in hay.</li>
<li>JSmoke cigarettes and not get addicted.</li>
<li>Run faster than Aaron, my cousin who is two years younger than I am but faster somehow.</li>
<li>Break into a food truck and just stand there until the owner comes.</li>
<li>Smoke cigarettes and blow them right in Aaron’s face, but no one can do anything because I am a horse.</li>
<li>Buy alcohol legally and then don’t share any with Aaron.</li>
<li>Run at one horsepower.</li>
<li>Visit Seaworld drunk, but Aar-
on has to stay home because he sucks.</li>
<li>Finally vote.</li>
<li>Get a ketamine prescription.</li>
<li>Buy milk legally, then drink it right in front of Aaron, because he has a severe milk allergy. Not just lactose intolerance—like he’ll straight up die.</li>
<li>Bite a baby.</li>
<li>Have a way bigger penis than my cousin Aaron, right?</li>
<li>Fight in a war by running up to the bad guys and beating the shit out of them with my hooves.</li>
<li>Stand right in front of Aaron, with his head sort of at leg level, and then kick him with both of my back legs real hard right in the skull.</li>
<li>Gallop directly toward a group of old people and then stop right before I hit them</li>
<ol>

I’m not a horse yet, but here’s things I will do if I become one...

If I Were A Horse

Dear Arnold

Tanglord, I'm here because I love you. I know we haven't talked in a bit, but it's not like I haven't tried. It's just that ever since we told you about beer last Thursday...

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Kai Nelson