Oh sorry, were you in line? I have fetal alcohol syndrome so I get to purchase my alcohol first. You know, since I was born addicted and all. I like to drink alcohol for the taste. And because it makes me drunk. Honestly, I feel bad for people who don’t have fetal alcohol syndrome. Who else gets to go to Disneyland for full price? And who else gets to cut the line at the liquor store when it’s New Years Eve? Or Tuesday morning?
It’s not drinking alone if you’re pregnant. That’s what my mother used to say while she was sipping scotch in her third trimester with yours truly. It’s alright. I don’t mind my enlarged brow or my small head. My physical appearance is actually quite the conversation starter with the ladies, I’d imagine. Especially the ones with medical degrees who keep calling child protective services on my mother. They should’ve called earlier. She’s nearly dead, you idiots! Haha.

My mom has boobs in all the right places. It’s sad none of my sisters ever will, given they are deformed. Sorry—I’m having intrusive thoughts. They are not related to my fetal alcohol syndrome. Do you like bread? Do you If you like bread I could drive you to my house, maybe hit a curb on the way if you’re into that kind of thing. My mom is making her signature dish for dinner: microwaved bread. And you could meet my other siblings (six if we’re rounding to a whole number). The line behind me? I don’t think you understand. I’m kind of in a rush here. My car is double parked in aisle seven and I gotta get the shattered storefront glass out of my leather seats before dinner.

Oh sorry, were you in line? I have fetal alcohol syndrome so I get to purchase my alcohol first...

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

Jobbly-joobly;
jibbly, jobbly.
Ah, yes. You came here for the Jibbly origin story. Well, I’m sorry to say that I can only tell you about Jibbly’s dear twin brother, Jobbly. They were separated at birth. That’s right, Jibbly was on Dancing with the Stars—gosh, he’s such a good dancer. Jobbly is an accountant. He dances with numbers. His body can’t froth it up, though.
Jobbly wishes he had liquidity of body like his smooth, smooth brother does. Jobbly does have one cool thing about him: he’s ambidextrous. He types the word “write-off” with both hands, or whatever a tax accountant does. Unfortunately, the stroke hit his more ambidextrous side harder. “Jobbly! We got a Jobbly ova here!” That’s what they say when Jobbly is on the street corner looking to hand out tax forms. Jobbly is one letter away from Jobby but Jobbly is unemployed.
Jobbly can make all of your student debt disappear with a sheet of paper. He slips the paper to the woman at the front desk of the collections office; it’s a death threat. A genius like Jobbly is bound to be employed soon.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: What kind of woman might have birthed these two of seven world wonders? Her name is Mrs. Jerbly. Mrs. Jerbly is thriving. She’s doing extremely well. She has a second home on Manchester by the Sea and her husband bought her and her seven daughters matching pearl necklaces for Christmas. She gave up Jibbly and Jobbly for adoption because she had been raped.

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Hannah Frazer