Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, when I woke up this morning I thought, wow, I am so tired of the same old outfit. So first person I saw in a suit: Bam! Knocked him out and took his clothes.&nbsp;
Ever since that moment, I knew I was destined for something greater. Like helping this poor kid escape a wrongful conviction. I know what you&rsquo;re thinking. Why should I listen to a lawyer who doesn&rsquo;t even know how to tie a tie? Well to that I say, get off my back, what are you my loan shark?
I actually had a cousin who did time. Real young up and comer, going to college, has a great girlfriend, all of it. In a random flash of rage he drives through 22 states, murders a high schooler in each one and keeps their fingernails on a necklace as a souvenir. You know how kids are. After time in the pen he can&rsquo;t get a job, can&rsquo;t go back to school, his girlfriend breaks up with him, he&rsquo;s screwed! If that&rsquo;s justice, then I don&rsquo;t know what to believe in.
Now I know what you&rsquo;re thinking again. The man you see before you isn&rsquo;t just some random wrong-side-of-the-tracks-teenager. His crime is much worse than murdering 22 innocent people. And you may be right. Or you may be wrong. Frankly, I have no idea. I just met him.&nbsp;
What I do have an idea about is this: an automatic tie-tier. It&rsquo;s a machine that ties a tie for you. So, wealthy ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please see me after the trial to discuss the investment opportunity of a lifetime.&nbsp;
That&rsquo;s a funny word, isn&rsquo;t it? Opportunity. Op. Ro. Tune. Ity. Sounds weirder the more you say it. Well jurors, that is what you would be robbing this man of. A life of opportunity. This man could be anything. A lawyer. A prisoner. A middling employee for a tie-tying startup. But if you convict him, he could only be one of those things. And that&rsquo;s just unconstitutional.&nbsp;
In conclusion, even if this hasn&rsquo;t convinced all of you, that&rsquo;s okay. Because when you go into that room, I only need 7 of you to outvote the others. Or 6 of you to tie, which I would also begrudgingly accept. You know who you are. Do the right thing.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, when I woke up this morning I thought, wow, I am so tired of the s...

Closing Argument

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This guy Brian showed up in my shower last night. The water wasn&rsquo;t on, he was just reading a comic book in there. Turns out he&rsquo;s my guardian angel. He&rsquo;s all like &ldquo;hey, I&rsquo;m Brian, and I&rsquo;m here to show you how kick-ass life can be.&rdquo; He calls it livin la vida Brian.
Cut to thirty minutes later, Brian&rsquo;s just taught me like three different karate moves. Karate is a big part of his lifestyle. He convinces me that we&rsquo;ve gotta go try these out on some people. I&rsquo;m like, good idea, but I&rsquo;m a beer and a half deep. And he&rsquo;s like pfft, a little drinking and driving never hurt anybody.
It&rsquo;s not until he calls 911 from my phone just to get all smug and say &ldquo;God is dead, and the boys in blue killed him&rdquo; that I start to think Brian may be kind of a bad influence. I&rsquo;m trying to remember how we even met, but I get distracted cause he asks me if I want to see a magic trick. I&rsquo;m a sucker for magic, but I want to play it cool, so I shrug all casual-like and say &ldquo;yeah, whatever, if you&rsquo;re into that type of thing I guess.&rdquo;
He snaps his fingers and bam: three tickets to the local high school&rsquo;s production of the Wizard of Oz appear in his hand. Brian and I look at each other and say &ldquo;oh hells yeah!&rdquo; in unison. Then we slap five. But wait! Why do we need three tickets if there&rsquo;s only two of us? Well, Brian&rsquo;s one step ahead of me. Snack chair. That&rsquo;s right: roast lamb, rotisserie chicken, fettuccine alfredo-it&rsquo;s enough to fill a whole chair plus the arm rests.
So we&rsquo;re in the auditorium chowing down, and you&rsquo;ll never guess who&rsquo;s playing Dorothy. Give up? It&rsquo;s my dumbass niece, Rebecca. Regardless of her dumbass status though, I have to admit, she has some really cool shoes.
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So I go see her after the show. I don&rsquo;t bring flowers cause Brian says they&rsquo;re girly, but she seems to appreciate the leftover alfredo sauce. Her parents give me the same old rigamarole as always: &ldquo;oh, dur, you&rsquo;re not allowed to be within one hundred feet of our daughter, dur.&rdquo; Brian, guardian angel that he is, recognizes the verbal assault and responds with a physical one. Wham bam, triple roundhouse crane flat-hand strike. Suddenly they&rsquo;re on the ground. Cowering. Like baby birds.
Anyway I guess that kind of explains why I&rsquo;m here, in court for assault, driving while intoxicated, and resisting arrest. Pretty simple misunderstanding. Brian disappeared using one of his classic smoke bombs right after that, but he&rsquo;s the guy you want. I may have been drinking that night, but you know what I&rsquo;ve learned the real drug is? Peer pressure. Not guilty. (Bangs personal gavel I brought from home.)
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This guy Brian showed up in my shower last night. The water wasn’t on, he was just reading a c...

New Best Friend

Good morning Vietnam! No, it's not Robin Williams. I know everyone gets excited every time I do that because they think zombies are real. Don&rsquo;t worry though, because I&rsquo;m just as good. It&rsquo;s me again, Andrew Stevens, reminding you all that I get to do the announcements for the next month because the principal hit me with his car. You losers wish you had two punctured lungs.
Okay now everyone rise and repeat after me: I pledge allegiance to Andrew, who has immunity from disciplinary action, and to the power trip that he is currently on, one student body, under him, indivisible with dopeness for all but especially me. And I better not hear about any of you assholes kneeling again. I&rsquo;ll be a vet in 3 years. The animal kind, but still.&nbsp;
Lunch today will be scattered fistfulls of ground beef for you and 3 cornucopias of delectable sweet treats for me. I would offer you guys some but I like watching your faces as I throw each piece real high up and see if I can catch it in my mouth. This part is honestly more for me than for you.&nbsp;
In other news, prom is coming up, which brings me to the most important part of the announcements! Stacy, will you be the queen to my king? Oh fuck. Oh fuck! I forgot I can&rsquo;t hear you. I assume you said yes so I&rsquo;ll see you at 2:00 pm sharp. We have to leave a little early because I don&rsquo;t have a car so it&rsquo;ll probably take a little longer on my tandem bicycle. It&rsquo;s actually usually super fast but got a bit mangled when Principal Asshole knocked me off of it. Don&rsquo;t worry, I already know where your house is.
Now, to end the announcements as I do every day. Holding my breath as long as I can to remind the principal what he did to me and my lungs. Mfhpph&hellip;.hmsh&hellip;urghmhp&hellip;hell yeah. 7 seconds. That&rsquo;s a new record. Anyway, I have to get back to the parking lot. I&rsquo;m trying to extend my streak with a few more broken bones. Goodfirst-period Vietnam!

Good morning Vietnam! No, it's not Robin Williams. I know everyone gets excited every time I do that...

Morning Announcements

<ol>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Children under the age of 14 may not use the pool without a parent or guardian present, unless they are named Robert because we can&rsquo;t stop him.&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">No more than 7 normal sized people or 1 Robert sized child in the jacuzzi.&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">No running. Physicists believe accelerated speeds near Robert may cause orbit.&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">If a lifeguard brings out the fishing net, Robert is drowning. Clear the pool.&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">The sound of a forklift means Robert has beached. Make way.&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Should Robert choose to breaststroke, watch in awe. He&rsquo;s weirdly good at breaststroke.&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">No turquoise bathing suits. Turquoise is Robert&rsquo;s color.&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">If it begins to thunder, exit the pool and stand in the shade of Robert&rsquo;s mass. He is benevolent when treated with respect.</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Do not swim near Robert when he&rsquo;s playing hungry hungry hippo.&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Shower before entering the pool. Be aware that the pool is Robert&rsquo;s shower.&nbsp;</li>
</ol>


Children under the age of 14 may not use the pool without a parent or guardian present, unless the...

Pool Rules

—Oh, just a little crater in Roswell.
—Well I’m from New York, but every summer we crash in Area 51.
—Yeah, my father had the same landing coordinates. My grandfather too.
—Imagine landing in a cornfield! Oh, you landed in a cornfield? No, that’s great, I thought about landing in a cornfield too.
—No yeah, I went to a boarding spaceship.
—My crash site? It’s this darling, little, boutique, impact crater. It’s on this island off Cape Cod.
—My dimensional displacement counselor wanted me to take a gap eon before choosing an impact site. So enriching.

Oh, just a little crater in Roswell. Well I’m from New York, but every summer we crash in Area 51...

How Ivy League Aliens Respond When You Ask Where They Crash Landed

—Okay. Focus. You’re your own last line of defense. Can’t let them steal me. See something; say something.
—247th conformist saying, “the eyes follow you around the room,” today. Imagine if these puppets knew the truth.
—248th sheep. Baaa.
—Boo! I totally got that guy.
—I wish, just once, someone would comment on my personality.
—If the coke I’m doing right now makes my pupils dilate, is that gonna mess with this third grade class’s sketches of me?
—Had that dream again where Lisa and I swap places, and she looks through my eye holes, and everyone’s like, “Wow, The Mona Lisa looks really different today,” and I’m just sitting there trying and failing to do the smile, and then terrorists bomb the Louvre. I wonder what it means.
—Everyone thinks her smile is so cute. I could do that if I wanted.
—20 goddamn years on this job and still no lunch breaks.
—I should unionize with the guy
who stands behind Van Gogh
and the people behind those
creepy farmers in American Gothic.
—I wonder if the people behind the creepy farmers are holding hands back there.
—That would be kind of sweet.
—I wonder if they’ve ever fucked
—Ew, no! Stop thinking about that. C’mon man.
—When that one art historian told that other art historian that my eyes “follow you around the room,” and then the other art historian was like, “no idiot, that’s just basic portrait technique,” I really wish I had jumped in on behalf of the first art historian.
—What the fuck! What the fuck! That kid just touched my boob! Did anybody see that Security?
—I’m pretty tired. I’m sure no one will anyone notice if I just take a little... nap...
—FUCK FUCK WHY IS EVERYONE SCREAMING?

Okay. Focus. You’re your own last line of defense. Can’t let them steal me...

Sterling Hoyte.css-1xlpnei{margin:0px -15px 0px 6px;width:11px;vertical-align:-14px;}

Sterling Hoyte