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Pieces

Barbershop Quartet
ZDG '20   •   January 2020
Lead: Fellas, meet the new fifth member of our quartet–Tom! Bass: Swell to meet ya Tom! Bar…
Titles of Movies I Wrote About Time Travel
10
PKS '21-'22   •   April 2021
-   I Go Back in Time and Kick Dust All Over the JonBenet Ramsey Crime Scene -   I Go B…
Swearing Kills
54
MFP '23-24   •   May 2022
Modern Mom Gritty Reboot
43
CLC '22-'23   •   May 2023
(Lights up. Camera pans over a grayscale suburb.) VOICEOVER: The modern mom is secure. (Flash: a …
Why I Wish I Was a Green Boy Instead of a Blue Boy
27
BWM '19-'21   •   December 2020
I was born a blue boy, but my whole life I’ve wanted to be a big green boy. Green boys get to…
Commercial Shoot
CDL '21   •   December 2020
-Listen, kid. This is easy. Just read off the teleprompter, and we’re golden. Start whenever.…
Litter
116
SMR '25   •  
I was born with so much upward vertical velocity that by the time I plunged back through the roof m…
Vanitas
124
CLC '22-'23   •   September 2022
It gives me no joy to say that The Harvard Lampoon is in crisis. The magazine is figuratively tied …
Tuxedo
13
MAS '18   •   September 2020
Glad I’ve got someone interested in buying Tuxedo. My father died in this tuxedo, and then it…
Eulogy
46
JKF '25   •   September 2022
Welcome, Parishers. I am honored to speak in this holy chapel. You may call me Father Tod. I am not…
Apology to the Reader’s of Squid Digest’s April 2013 Issue
2
MAG '21-'22   •   September 2020
Readers, we would like to retract a statement we made in our most recent issue. After multiple onli…
There’s No More Gazpacho In The Cupboard
12
MMM '20   •   October 2020
– What? – There’s no more cans of gazpacho in our cupboard. The hell am I suppos…
From the Creators of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!"
128
LKN '25   •   December 2023
“I Can Totally See This Being Mayonnaise” Margarine “It’s For My Windshiel…
Obituary
12
MAG '21-'22   •   July 2021
If you would’ve told me yesterday that I’d be writing an obituary for the guy in this…
World’s Luckiest & Most Depressed Person
229
JRD '22-'23   •   January 2022
Pam Jensen woke up just like she did every other day – at the exact moment that she could see…
My Steed
8
MFP '23-24   •   September 2022
Good evening, Lady Harrington. I have arrived on my mighty steed to take you away to — pardon…
Larry was there.
BWM '19-'21   •   October 2020
Larry was there. Larry saw the flashes as the troposphere lit on fire, the sounds the bombs made as…
Answering Machine
10
GPL '21-'22   •   October 2020
– (pickup) Hello? – Doc?! Is that you? It’s Billy.  – The Doctor is …
The Nantucket-Canterbury Medieval Faire
9
PKS '21-'22   •   May 2020
Renaissance Faire season coincides with whaling season, which means most people do not know about t…
Hammurabi
16
ZDG '20   •   July 2021
After the success of his first 282 laws, the Babylonian lawgiver released a less popular but more n…