Artwork: ghost

Retirement Compound Salesman

Author: MAV '23-'24
As seen in: Me and My Lovers #

Apt. 1B: Hello there! How often have you dropped that Life Alert of yours into the toilet? At your age, probably more times that your decaying mind can even remember. Introducing Toilet Net, a waterproof web designed specifically to save your devices from the sewers. Toilet Net—Excuse me? No, I’m not your brother Eli, I’m a traveling salesman here to… Okay. I’ll go now.

Apt 3A: Sir. I have a product so good it’s gonna freeze your pacemaker! Of course not literally. Check out the Toilet Net—Wait. You have a brother named Eli as well? But what kind of name is Brother Eli? No, sir, I can’t answer that question. No, I cannot testify to what happened in Guadalajara. And God no! I’m flattered, but even if I was Brother Eli, I would have no interest in renewing Prima Nocta with your first-born. I don’t care that she’s agreed to it.

Apt 2G: Did you say you only open the door for Brother Eli? You’ve been keeping yourself chaste for him for 34 years? All the women on your floor have? Well, uhh, I actually met Brother Eli in Guadalajara. We developed this product, the Toilet Net, to- gether. No, it was not to catch gold pellets out of his intesti…? Did he tell you he shat gold nuggets? No, it’s just, uhh, he seemed embarrassed about it when he was with me. Anyway, are you interested? Oh, Brother Eli controls your finances? I’ll come back with him then.

Apt 4L: Sir, help! Mighty Brother Eli is trapped in Guadalajara. The cartel has kidnapped him and seeks to use his digestive system as a human gold production factory. I am his associate, and I am raising money to fund his escape. Because of tax purposes, we are funneling the money through a holding company called Toilet Net. Please consider buying… Teleportation powers, you say? Yes, that does solve his problem. I’ll be on my way.

Apt 2E: Madame! After all these years, we meet again. You don’t recognize me? It is I, Brother Eli. I swapped bodies with a gringo child in Guadalajara, as is within the realm of my established powers. Now I have returned all grown up! I can sense you’ve been keeping yourself chaste for me. But before we dive into that, I have to tell you about a new product I developed on my pilgrimages. It’s absolutely fantastic, and I know it’ll help you too because that wig of yours is liable to just plop in any day… Ma’am! Keep your hands off me. You’ve waited 34 years. I think you can wait until the end of my sales pitch.