Artwork: SKL '23

Toss Me Off The Edge, Then, Why Don’t You?

Author: ZDG '20
As seen in: Nantucket Sleighride #

Oh, sure. Back me up further to the edge of the boat. I don’t mind. Are you pissed? You seem pissed. Can we talk about why you’re mad? Because it seems like you’re mad because – look, I know I left some whale remnants out in the open on the deck to attract seagulls and then caught all the seagulls, a whole flock of them, and put them down in the sleeping quarters and glued them to the floor. I put the glue right on their feet. Then I said I was the king of the gulls and killed the captain. Then you all voted for a second new captain and I played along for a little bit, biding my time sowing seeds of dissent amongst my gulls, then I killed him too. The thing about these gulls is they didn’t respect me as a king up until the second assassination. And it’s like, they’re glued on the ground, you know? So why are they being so picky? I could name any one of you captain right now and kill you, then they’d all flock around me like I did something soooo great, except they wouldn’t move since the glue and all. Any one of you I could kill. If I were you I’d be more pissed at the gulls than at me. You wouldn’t blame a toe? Would you? In the same way you shouldn’t blame the king of the gulls for a little bit of glue ending up on a lot of gulls’ feet and maybe one or two captains gone. And to be honest we get more money now that they’re gone. So you should be thanking me, really, instead of tossing me off the edge of this boat. Glue’s not cheap either. It’s technically illegal for you to do this to me, you know, since none of you are captain. If one of you were to step up right now and declare yourself captain then I guess it would be fine, but I think we all know why you aren’t going to do that. But toss me off the edge, or whatever. I don’t care.