Diwali is a festival of lights that occurs in either October or November and is one of the major festivals celebrated by Hindus, Buddhists, Jains, and Sikhs.
In the Elevator
- Hey Raj, Happy Holi!
- It’s Diwali, Jeff. And my name’s Suchetas.
At a Party
- (accidentally bumps into the light switch)
- Hey, can you turn the lights back on?
- Of course! Please spare me! (turns lights back on)
- Relax, it’s no worries at—
- Oh dear god, I’m so sorry! What have I done! I’ve ruined your Diwali! I’ve ruined everyone’s Diwali! (runs off into the distance screaming)
- That’s… that’s not how Diwali works.
On the Street
- What Diwali could possibly be brighter than the light of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
- For the last time ma’am, I’m not going to convert.
At the Bank
- H-E-L-L-O S-I-R.
- I… I speak English.
- N-O S-I-R, T-H-I-S I-S T-H-E B-A-N-K.
- Yeah I know. I’d like to make a deposit.
- H-A-P-P-Y D-I-W-A-L-I T-O Y-O-U T-O-O, S-I-R!
With a Friend
- Wanna get Indian food today?
- Dude, you hate Indian food.
- What? That’s crazy talk.
- In the 30 years we’ve been friends you’ve never said ‘yes’ to Indian food once.
- Yeah, but this year there’s this thing called Diwali.
- Diwali happens every year, man.
- Yeah right, as if I’d fall for that! So are we going or what?
When it Coincides with Halloween
- Hey man, nice wizard costume!
- It’s a kurta, a traditional Indian garment. Today’s Diwali.
- Tommy’s Grim Reaper costume is still cooler.
At a Restaurant
- Any questions about the menu?
- Why is the only item on the menu chicken tikka masala?
- It’s our Diwali special!
- But this is Burger King.
Dealing with a Shitty Boss
- Steve, what’s this I’m hearing about you not giving Sharon 12 paid weeks off?
- She wanted it for maternity leave, as if I care.
- Well what if I told you she wanted it for maternity leave and Diwali?
- Oh my god, why didn’t she tell me? I’ll grant her 12 months of paid leave immediately!
When It’s Your First Day at Work
- You must be the new hire! They’re waiting for you inside. (winks)
- Oh no, not this company too— (Indian music begins to play as all 250 company employees stand up and begin clapping for me. They rip off their formal attire, revealing matching onesies that say “Happy Diwali.” The company’s board gets on their knees and presents me with a signed document granting me ownership of the company.)
In the Elevator Again
- Happy Diwali, man!
- Wow, you remembered!
- Sorry, I was just practicing for tomorrow. But Happy Holi!
